Bowledly Risking a Bad 'Do for You

College football bowl season is, and always will be, one of my favorite times of the year. Unless my wife ever acts on her threat to sneak up on me when I’m deep in concentrated football ruminations that mimic sleep and give me a bowl haircut.

Until then, I’m here to enhance your enjoyment of all 32 bowl games with the latest, greatest, wildest and mildest of interesting college football monikers.

Every university provides little bios of its players on its official athletics website, and it was fascinating to learn that all of these players have something in common: Utah tight end Colt Sampson, East Carolina wide receiver Colton Brennan, Texas quarterback Colt McCoy, and Louisiana State kicker Colt David. The common thread? They were all conceived while their parents were horsing around.

Here’s a great football name that unfortunately belongs to a punter, who, like most punters, avoids any contact rougher than a fist bump: Navy’s Jared Smearman.

Then there’s this great name for a shifty running back, which unfortunately belongs to a kicker, who (see punter description above): East Carolina’s Matt Dodge.

The 2007 All-Sounds Like a Faculty of Eccentric Hogwarts Professors Team: Navy tackle Sander Gossard; Florida Atlantic’s cornerback Gedel Merzius and linebacker Cergile Sincere; New Mexico linebacker Greyson Wieczorek; and Michigan State defensive end Jonal Saint-Dic.

Can you guess the nickname of this Florida Atlantic linebacker: Frantz Joseph? Why, naturally, it’s “Haydn.”

The ghosts of the Holy Roman Empire will probably be looking in on the action when Octavius meets Haydrian (Auburn’s O. Coleman and Clemson’s H. Lewis).

Opponents tremble with fear when they see Oklahoma running backs Dantrell Savage and Kendall Hunter line up in the Savage-Hunter formation.

Just because this name inspires visions of tropical islands, warm breezes and cooling libations: Oklahoma State defensive lineman Tonga Tea. (Note: Tonga actually hails from what you might call the polar opposite of the daydream his name inspires: Alaska.)

I hear that nobody celebrates a big play quite like Cincinnati linebacker Andre Revels.

The University of New Mexico has an offensive lineman named Derek Tallent. At 6’-4” and 320 pounds, I think you’ll agree that’s a LOT of Tallent.

Did you hear about the young UCLA fan who asked for a pair of UCLA PJ’s for his birthday? He wound up being visited by Bruins linebacker P.J. Tobyansen and guard P.J. Irvin.

The 2007 All-Do They Get Razzed for Having Such Famous Names? Team: Fresno State linebacker Will Smith; his teammate, tackle Andrew Jackson; Central Michigan defensive end Anthony Quinn; Georgia wide receiver Michael Moore; and, most razz-worthy of all, since it’s an actress’ name, fer goshsakes, Mississippi State defensive lineman Jazzmen Guy.

After a big-time recruiting war between Lamar University and University of Houston, defensive end Lamarr Houston finally chose. . .Texas.

You don’t suppose anyone would have the guts to nickname this guy “Cat,” do ya?: 6’-4”, 270 pound Florida State center John Frady. (Get it? “Frady Cat”?)

The 2007 All-Oscar Wilde Fans Because They Know the Importance of Being This Paragraph’s Punchline Team: Cincinnati tight end Earnest Jackson; Texas linebacker Dustin Earnest; and Indiana wide receiver Matt Ernest.

Right next to each other on Tennessee’s numerical roster: Courtney and Love (running back Court Courtney and defensive back Logan Love).

Oklahoma may field the kindest, gentlest linebacking corps in the nation, with guys like Ian Pleasant and Demarrio Pleasant. They can also send in Curtis Lofton and T.C. Bread, who form the (get ready now) Curt-T.C. tandem.

Finally, these two West Virginia defensive linemen are, I kid you not, listed right next to each other on the tail end of the team’s numerical roster: Johnny Dingle and Scooter Berry.

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TakefiveT5@yahoo.com