One Big Ten Happy Family
This is No. 2 son’s last year of college. Well, the last one I can afford, anyway. He attends Dear Old EOSU (Expensive Out-of-State University), a Big Ten school that fields a big-time football team with a big-time coach who each year deftly guides the team into a small-time bowl game.
Nevertheless, No. 2 is a big-time fan. He has attended every home game during his years at EOSU. Last spring, it dawned on me that in all that time, he had never enjoyed an afternoon of grid action with his loving fambly – me, my wife and his four brothers. This is partly because he has regularly said that he could envision absolutely nothing enjoyable about sharing an afternoon of grid action with me, my wife, and his four brothers.
Here were some of his reasons:
Freshman year: “I just can’t risk having to acknowledge your existence in front of my friends.”
Sophomore year: “Our big-time coach makes a lot of big-time mistakes that cause fans to curse, brawl and throw their shirts onto the field in fury. And don't get me started on what male fans do.”
Junior year: “It’s IMPOSSIBLE to get tickets.” He always says this with a straight face, even though EOSU’s stadium – nicknamed “The Big House” – is mind-numbingly huge, holding well over 1.3 million people.
Sound though these reasons may be, I felt a duty to save him from fumbling away a big-time opportunity to bond with his loved ones. So I recently hauled my wife and sons 3, 4 and 5 across several states to join No. 2 in watching his big-time team make a supposedly overmatched opponent look really good.
Gameday started right off with the cursing and brawling that No. 2 warned us about. And that was just at our hotel’s free breakfast buffet.
The hotel was packed with EOSU fans, a majority of them wearing officially licensed apparel. Unfortunately, the doughy, paunchy physiques stuffed into those threads proved that scads of avid EOSU rooters are rather idle worshipers.
We left the hotel to pick up No. 2 and No. 1 (who drove up from Indiana) at No. 2’s off-campus apartment. This place actually looks and smells semi-habitable, if we’re talking, say, a habitat for orangutans. We'd planned to relax there for a while but changed our minds, since we weren't sure our vaccinations were up to date.
We hustled off to the stadium, eventually finding a parking spot a mere 75-minute walk away. Kickoff was at noon, which put some unusual burdens on EOSU’s student body, the foremost being the necessity to, um, light the drinking lamp at mid-morning. Luckily, they had a lot of role models in EOSU's "adult" tailgaters, who were energetically smoking beer and drinking cigarettes by 10 a.m.
The gameday weather was H-O-T hot. The crowd coped with it in various ways. For example, the curses aimed at EOSU’s coach were divvied up among fans, so that each only had to shout one syllable. The student section did “The Wave” in ultra-slow motion. And each of the 3,000 fans in our row made frequent trips to the concession stands, making sure to wipe gobs of their excess sweat on me as they squoze by.
In the end, EOSU eked out a victory, and I don’t think No. 2 wound up as embarrassed by his family as he feared. For example, I never made a single eye-rollingly-stupid comment to him. This is because he constantly focuses all his attention on the field of play. Although once, during a critical third down, I noticed his eyes weren’t on the action. I muttered “Game on!” to make sure he didn’t miss anything. He replied “Not now. Watching good-looking girl.”
# # #
TakeFiveT5@yahoo.com
Nevertheless, No. 2 is a big-time fan. He has attended every home game during his years at EOSU. Last spring, it dawned on me that in all that time, he had never enjoyed an afternoon of grid action with his loving fambly – me, my wife and his four brothers. This is partly because he has regularly said that he could envision absolutely nothing enjoyable about sharing an afternoon of grid action with me, my wife, and his four brothers.
Here were some of his reasons:
Freshman year: “I just can’t risk having to acknowledge your existence in front of my friends.”
Sophomore year: “Our big-time coach makes a lot of big-time mistakes that cause fans to curse, brawl and throw their shirts onto the field in fury. And don't get me started on what male fans do.”
Junior year: “It’s IMPOSSIBLE to get tickets.” He always says this with a straight face, even though EOSU’s stadium – nicknamed “The Big House” – is mind-numbingly huge, holding well over 1.3 million people.
Sound though these reasons may be, I felt a duty to save him from fumbling away a big-time opportunity to bond with his loved ones. So I recently hauled my wife and sons 3, 4 and 5 across several states to join No. 2 in watching his big-time team make a supposedly overmatched opponent look really good.
Gameday started right off with the cursing and brawling that No. 2 warned us about. And that was just at our hotel’s free breakfast buffet.
The hotel was packed with EOSU fans, a majority of them wearing officially licensed apparel. Unfortunately, the doughy, paunchy physiques stuffed into those threads proved that scads of avid EOSU rooters are rather idle worshipers.
We left the hotel to pick up No. 2 and No. 1 (who drove up from Indiana) at No. 2’s off-campus apartment. This place actually looks and smells semi-habitable, if we’re talking, say, a habitat for orangutans. We'd planned to relax there for a while but changed our minds, since we weren't sure our vaccinations were up to date.
We hustled off to the stadium, eventually finding a parking spot a mere 75-minute walk away. Kickoff was at noon, which put some unusual burdens on EOSU’s student body, the foremost being the necessity to, um, light the drinking lamp at mid-morning. Luckily, they had a lot of role models in EOSU's "adult" tailgaters, who were energetically smoking beer and drinking cigarettes by 10 a.m.
The gameday weather was H-O-T hot. The crowd coped with it in various ways. For example, the curses aimed at EOSU’s coach were divvied up among fans, so that each only had to shout one syllable. The student section did “The Wave” in ultra-slow motion. And each of the 3,000 fans in our row made frequent trips to the concession stands, making sure to wipe gobs of their excess sweat on me as they squoze by.
In the end, EOSU eked out a victory, and I don’t think No. 2 wound up as embarrassed by his family as he feared. For example, I never made a single eye-rollingly-stupid comment to him. This is because he constantly focuses all his attention on the field of play. Although once, during a critical third down, I noticed his eyes weren’t on the action. I muttered “Game on!” to make sure he didn’t miss anything. He replied “Not now. Watching good-looking girl.”
# # #
TakeFiveT5@yahoo.com
posted by Don Stuart at 1:05 PM
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