A Fun Family Outing, eh WHAAAT?!

With many long weeks of summer vacation still ahead, I'm trying hard to find amusing diversions for the kids -- things we can all do together that won't land us in emergency rooms or family therapy.

The other day, I proposed a leisurely family bike ride, in spite of the fact that my kids all hate riding bikes. If I'm riding with them, that is.

After extended negotiations, I overcame their objections by mentioning that we would ride past Big Sings, a famed local ice cream stand. Understand, I NEVER - not ONCE - said we would BUY any Big Sings ice cream. I demand that this be noted in the historical record, and shared with any family therapists my kids visit later this summer.

For me, one of the simple little displeasures of a family bike ride is untangling the family bikes. Does this happen in your garage? Every night, the kids claim they put away their cycles, and I quote, "really carefully and neatly, honest!" But inexplicably, every night, the bikes acquire what the kids call, and I quote, "bizarre elastic properties, honest!" and get entangled worse than the characters on "Grey's Anatomy."

When I finally sort them out, two bikes always remain stuck together. That's because No. 5 son rides behind me on a neat little contraption called a "Trail-A-Bike." It's a one-wheeled miniature bike that No. 5's cousin loaned him. It attaches to the seat post of my bike, and has handlebars and real working pedals. When struggling up inclines or rises, I always remind No. 5 that he could really help daddy out by pedaling as much as he likes. He never likes.

As I prepared our equipment for the ride, the kids prepared their delaying tactics. No. 3 son said that the rear tire on his cycle was a little flat, so I had to pump it up. No. 4 said his seat was a little wobbly (his bike seat, that is), so I had to tighten it down. No. 5 said it would be more fun to sit down together as a family and watch "Grey's Anatomy," so I had to find the TV listings and show him that it wasn't on.

I knew they were stalling in hopes that I wouldn't shove off on the ride and, instead, just shove it. But I was determined to have some dagnab family fun, dagnabbit, so off we went, headed for the smooth, flat, asphalt bike trail that runs near our neighborhood. Riding there is infinitely more leisurely than on the nearby roads. Instead of constantly worrying about speeding reckless drivers, I only have to worry about the kids tumbling into the watery, insect-infested ditches on either side of the path, or smacking into joggers or walkers, or being creamed by a speeding reckless Lance Armstrong wannabe.

Of course, had any of these things happened, the kids were well-protected by their helmets, humongous protective coverings that, when strapped atop their skinny little bods, make them look like aliens from the planet Tootsie Pop.

One of the delights of our leisurely family bike ride was casually chatting as we cycled. No. 5 son especially enjoyed this, peppering me with questions as we cruised. Well, actually, just one insistent, urgent question, asked over and over and over: "How much longer to Big Sings?"

However, he couldn't hear my replies unless I painfully contorted my neck and shouted back over my shoulder. Unfortunately, my neck has no bizarre elastic properties, so I spent the whole ride yelling the answer to his insistent, urgent question, and he spent the whole ride hollering "WHAAAT?!"

It's just as well he never heard me, because we never made it to Big Sings; I took a "wrong turn" (wink wink) on the bike trail. Surprisingly, the kids took it pretty well in stride, and they swear that, on our way back, it was purely accidental that they creamed me into the watery, insect-infested ditches on either side of the path.

When we finally reached home, I asked the standard Delusional Parental Rhetorical Question: "Wasn't that FUN?!"

No. 3 said, "(Huffy snort)! My tire was flat and you LIED about Big Sings!"

No. 4 said, "(Tearful snort)! My seat was loose and you LIED about Big Sings!"

No. 5 said, "WHAAAT?!"

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TakeFiveT5@yahoo.com