Livin' in a wild, Wylde world
This week's column gets pretty wild, but by the time you're finished, you'll see that it's all my kids' fault.
Let's start with No. 4 son (age 8), who just landed a spot on a travel soccer team. The teams in his league have lots of super-high-intensity nicknames, like "The Lightning," "The Flames," "The Thunder," and "The Rumsfelds." Somehow, in a stroke of spooky karma, No. 4 son's team is named after him: "The Wild."
Then there's No. 5 son (age 5), who took my wife to see the animated movie "The Wild." (I got stuck taking No. 4 and No. 5 to see "The Benchwarmers. I am 200 percent certain that my wife and No. 5 saw a more intelligent movie, BY FAR; "Benchwarmers" makes "Dude, Where's My Car?" look like "Citizen Kane.")
No. 5 told me "The Wild" is all about creatures from the plains of Africa, and that the film's villains are -- get this -- wildebeests. In real life, of course, wildebeests are pretty much hoofed buffets for predators. But No. 5 says they've pulled an amazing 180 as cinematic "bad guys." He claims that, in "The Wild," the wildebeests are the hunters. And they eat lions!
Hmmm. In the world of animated evil-doers, sounds like Wile E. Coyote could learn a few things from Wild E. Beest.
Then there's No. 3 son (age 10), who has begun playing guitar. If you're picturing him quietly strumming like Andres Segovia or gently pickin' like Willie Nelson, then your picture is in dire need of adjustment. It's an electric guitar! For rockin' and rollin'! No. 3 is borrowing it from the daughter of a couple that use to be our friends.
The moment the guitar was in his hot little hands, No. 3 informed me that he wants to make it go Wylde. I pointed out that "wild" was spelled all wrong in the dialogue bubble over his head. But he said, nope, I was the dope, because he was talking about a guy named Zakk Wylde, a long-haired, tattooed, leather-clad guitarist for a band called Black Label Society.
I'd never heard of Wylde, but via the Internet I learned that he targets a market segment that willingly forks good money over to bask in a sort of super-high-intensity anger featured in Black Label's act. At least, I hope it's just an act; how super-high-intensely angry could they be after making all that dough?
Over the years, Wylde's guitar has gently shrieked in countless recordings that no doubt will still be screeched hundreds of years from now by American Idol contestants. That is, if American Idol ever has a "Mike Tyson Night." Check out the titles of Black Label songs: Every single one contains either the word "Blood," "Destruction," or "Ear-Spitting."
Wait a sec, that’s "Ear-Splitting." Sorry.
Anyway, I learned that No. 3 has also never heard of Black Label or any of their songs, and doesn't want to learn them. Turns out he just thinks Zakk Wylde's guitar has a way cool paint job, a black and white design that reminds me of a zebra's, ahem, hindquarters.
We saw Zakk's axe pictured in a catalog from a big nationwide instrument seller called Guitar Center. The catalog showed up in our mailbox one day, addressed to the previous occupants of our house, one of whom was a guitar-shredding 8th-grader. We're pretty sure No. 5 son inherited this kid’s old bedroom. It's the one with the huge zebra's-butt motif painted on the ceiling.
Before No. 3 gets any ideas like that, I plan to chat with him about my guitar-playing exploits. (I've actually begun this chat several times, but he always reaches over and turns up his amp. To 11.)
Yep, I kicked some axe in my day. Okay, it was only my big sister's slightly beat-up acoustic guitar. And I only composed one song on it, an ode to a high-school girlfriend. I played it for her once, but halfway through she grabbed the guitar and smashed it, the way Bluto does at the toga party in the movie "Animal House."
Y'know, maybe I won't chat with No. 3 about my guitar-playing exploits after all.
Instead, I'll try talking him into a different guitar design. Rather than mimic Zakk's axe-end-of-a-zebra look, I think No. 3’s design should reflect a grittier critter. . .a meat-eater of frighteningly super-high-intensity. . .a Wyldebeest.
TakefiveT5@yahoo.com
Let's start with No. 4 son (age 8), who just landed a spot on a travel soccer team. The teams in his league have lots of super-high-intensity nicknames, like "The Lightning," "The Flames," "The Thunder," and "The Rumsfelds." Somehow, in a stroke of spooky karma, No. 4 son's team is named after him: "The Wild."
Then there's No. 5 son (age 5), who took my wife to see the animated movie "The Wild." (I got stuck taking No. 4 and No. 5 to see "The Benchwarmers. I am 200 percent certain that my wife and No. 5 saw a more intelligent movie, BY FAR; "Benchwarmers" makes "Dude, Where's My Car?" look like "Citizen Kane.")
No. 5 told me "The Wild" is all about creatures from the plains of Africa, and that the film's villains are -- get this -- wildebeests. In real life, of course, wildebeests are pretty much hoofed buffets for predators. But No. 5 says they've pulled an amazing 180 as cinematic "bad guys." He claims that, in "The Wild," the wildebeests are the hunters. And they eat lions!
Hmmm. In the world of animated evil-doers, sounds like Wile E. Coyote could learn a few things from Wild E. Beest.
Then there's No. 3 son (age 10), who has begun playing guitar. If you're picturing him quietly strumming like Andres Segovia or gently pickin' like Willie Nelson, then your picture is in dire need of adjustment. It's an electric guitar! For rockin' and rollin'! No. 3 is borrowing it from the daughter of a couple that use to be our friends.
The moment the guitar was in his hot little hands, No. 3 informed me that he wants to make it go Wylde. I pointed out that "wild" was spelled all wrong in the dialogue bubble over his head. But he said, nope, I was the dope, because he was talking about a guy named Zakk Wylde, a long-haired, tattooed, leather-clad guitarist for a band called Black Label Society.
I'd never heard of Wylde, but via the Internet I learned that he targets a market segment that willingly forks good money over to bask in a sort of super-high-intensity anger featured in Black Label's act. At least, I hope it's just an act; how super-high-intensely angry could they be after making all that dough?
Over the years, Wylde's guitar has gently shrieked in countless recordings that no doubt will still be screeched hundreds of years from now by American Idol contestants. That is, if American Idol ever has a "Mike Tyson Night." Check out the titles of Black Label songs: Every single one contains either the word "Blood," "Destruction," or "Ear-Spitting."
Wait a sec, that’s "Ear-Splitting." Sorry.
Anyway, I learned that No. 3 has also never heard of Black Label or any of their songs, and doesn't want to learn them. Turns out he just thinks Zakk Wylde's guitar has a way cool paint job, a black and white design that reminds me of a zebra's, ahem, hindquarters.
We saw Zakk's axe pictured in a catalog from a big nationwide instrument seller called Guitar Center. The catalog showed up in our mailbox one day, addressed to the previous occupants of our house, one of whom was a guitar-shredding 8th-grader. We're pretty sure No. 5 son inherited this kid’s old bedroom. It's the one with the huge zebra's-butt motif painted on the ceiling.
Before No. 3 gets any ideas like that, I plan to chat with him about my guitar-playing exploits. (I've actually begun this chat several times, but he always reaches over and turns up his amp. To 11.)
Yep, I kicked some axe in my day. Okay, it was only my big sister's slightly beat-up acoustic guitar. And I only composed one song on it, an ode to a high-school girlfriend. I played it for her once, but halfway through she grabbed the guitar and smashed it, the way Bluto does at the toga party in the movie "Animal House."
Y'know, maybe I won't chat with No. 3 about my guitar-playing exploits after all.
Instead, I'll try talking him into a different guitar design. Rather than mimic Zakk's axe-end-of-a-zebra look, I think No. 3’s design should reflect a grittier critter. . .a meat-eater of frighteningly super-high-intensity. . .a Wyldebeest.
# # #
TakefiveT5@yahoo.com
posted by Don Stuart at 8:23 AM
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