Yuks of the Irish

In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, this week’s column is a stew of Irishness. I hope it’ll raise the spirits of readers who, like me, gave up beer for Lent and are struggling with the effects of ADD: Ale Deficit Disorder.

Here’s a suggestion: clip the following potpourri of toasts and trivia; you can refer to it over the next week to banish a bit of your misfortune. And if that doesn’t work, it’ll make a fine coaster on March 17.

§ Your first St. Patrick’s Day toast should be brief, preferably one you can say while simultaneously guzzling a brew. Here are a couple suggestions, supposedly ancient and traditional, which probably means they were found in the bottom of Johnny Carson’s file cabinet:
> May your troubles be as few and far between as my grandmother's teeth!
> May you live to be a hundred years, plus one to repent!
> As you slide along the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way!

Toasts like these are always much more entertaining when spoken with a rich Irish brogue. Try channeling Colin Farrell or Bono (for Gen X and Y readers); Liam Neeson or the lasses from the Irish Spring soap ads (for baby boom readers); or Barry Fitzgerald (for readers with teeth as few and far between as I hope your troubles are!)

§ Four leaf clovers are special, but they’ve got nuthin’ on the record holder: 18 leaves on one clover stem! It was discovered in 2002 in Hanamaki City , Japan , by a guy with a wonderfully Irish-sounding name (that is, if spoken with your best Colin/Irish Spring/Barry accent): Shigeo Obara.

§ Some pub-oetry:
Guinness was spilt on the barroom floor
When the pub was shut for the night.
Soon from his hole crept a wee brown mouse
Who saw it shine in the pale moonlight.

He lapped the frothy foam from the floor
Then back on his haunches he sat.
And all night long, you could hear the mouse roar,
“Bring on the bloody cat!”

§ That’s one soused mouse, but at least he’s a heart-healthy one. A few years ago, at a meeting of the American Heart Association, Guinness’ health benefits were praised in a presentation, which I hereby quote verbatim (apologies for the arcane medical jargon): “Guinness stout blah blah blood clot reduction, yada yada effective as daily aspirin et cetera et cetera antioxidants! In conclusion, Guinness is good for us! I move that the drinking lamp be lit!”

§ St. Patrick may never become a celebrity beer mascot like the Budweiser Clydesdales or the Swedish Bikini Team (remember, from those Old Milwaukee commercials? All my buddies and I do! Oddly, my wife and her buddies don’t).

However, St. Patrick IS an official beer brand, produced in a couple different versions: St. Patrick’s Ale and St. Patrick’s Best. I was interested in tasting them, until I read a review on the Internet, which mentions “a slight hint of farmyard on the finish.” Yuck; this sounds to me like the recipe includes “ingredients” provided by Clydesdales.

§ The following toast is only for very experienced pub-losophers, because it’s a tad long, and requires hand gestures and multiple fingers. I recommend enlisting a partner, so that neither of you ever has to put down your Guinness:
There are only two things to worry about: Either you are well or you are sick. If you are well, there is nothing to worry about.
But if you are sick, there are two things to worry about: Either you will get well or you will die. If you get well, there is nothing to worry about.
But if you die, there are two things to worry about: Either you will go to heaven or you will go to (Hades). If you go to heaven, you have nothing to worry about.
But if you go to (Hades), well, you'll be so busy shaking hands with all your friends, you won't have time to worry!

§ Speaking of the netherworld, here’s a fun definition of blarney: Telling a man to go to (heck) in a way that makes him look forward to the trip!

Interestingly, my Polish wife often weaves word magic like this on me, especially when she speaks like a lass from an Irish Spring ad. And dresses like a member of the Swedish Bikini Team.

# # #

TakeFiveT5@yahoo.com