Our Land o' Summer Vacation Fun
My family unit has just returned from a death march – oops, make that, “vacation” – in Orlando, Florida. In spite of the constant 96-degree temps (though it dropped as low as 95.7 at night), we had lots of dolgurn fun. Mainly because I kept telling everyone “Dolgurnit, we’re having fun!” even if we weren’t.
We spent seven straight days at Orlando theme parks, which, as advertised, truly are the Happiest Places on Earth, especially at the end of the day, when “cast members” happily check your bags at the exits and remove all remaining unspent money.
Interestingly, the success of the parks is highly dependent on the badly impaired short-term memories of fun-seeking consumers. Furthermore, the success of the parks is highly dependent on the badly impaired short-term memories of fun-seeking consumers.
For example: a fun-seeking family spends 57 stupefying minutes pestering and agitating each other while sweltering in line for an “experience” that lasts 133 thrilling seconds. They stagger out the exits jostled by a sweaty horde of fellow fun-seeking consumers. Then, having forgotten everything except those 133 thrilling seconds, the fun-seeking family and the entire sweaty horde jockey for spots in the same line, which is now 23 minutes longer, to do it all over again.
Of course, experienced Orlan-doers would mock that fun-seeking family for not using the quick-entry method known as the Fastpass. With a Fastpass, one avoids “regular” waits for rides and attractions by traveling in a separate line that moves way more speedily. We used Fastpasses when we could, but the kids thoughtfully made sure we got the complete theme-park experience by learning to compress 57 minutes of pestering and agitation into waits as short as 10 minutes.
Of course, you don’t have to rely solely on your fun-seeking family to irritate you while you’re enjoying Online-do. Let me help, with the following fascinating stuff to ponder while you’re sweltering in the Slowpass (only without the “p”) lines. If none of this fascinates you, pester and agitate the surrounding sweaty horde with it; they might usher you in the Fastpass line just to get rid of you!:
> On the E.T. Adventure at Universal Studios, you take an airborne bike ride like Elliott and E.T. did in the movie. At one point, you “soar” above a highly detailed miniature city. There’s even a baseball stadium, with a game underway. The Cubs are losing 6-2.
> We shared our Happiest Pla-cetera vacation with my wife’s parents and her siblings and their families. Our sweaty horde was especially excited about the Expedition Everest ride at Disney’s Animal Kingdom, which features an audioanimatronic yeti at the ride’s climax. Everyone was babbling about it, and by the time we reached the park, various family members had garbled the name of the ride in a bunch of different ways. So for the rest of the trip, instead of talking about Expedition Everest with the Yeti on top, I pestered and agitated my kids by referring to it as “Exhibition Everett with the Eddie on top.”
By the way, the Yeti is scary, but it would’ve been radically more terrifying if Disney had installed an audioanimatronic version of my manic 7-year old neighbor kid, Eddie.
> During the Soaring attraction at Epcot, you “fly" through a film that glides over a variety of vibrant California scenery, including a nighttime cityscape. If you look quick, you can catch a glimpse of a brightly lit baseball stadium. Where the Cubs are losing 7-1.
> Diners at Cosmic Ray’s restaurant in The Magic Kingdom’s Tomorrowland are serenaded by an audioanimatronic alien named Sonny Eclipse. Unfortunately, Sonny’s shtick is very Yesterdayland. Considering that no one seemed to be paying one iota of attention to him, he appears dangerously close to being the second most ignored entertainer in history, after me. Although in an effort to change that, Sonny has a My Space web page. Really.
> During Peter Pan’s Flight at The Magic Kingdom, you ride over a miniature nighttime scene of London, with scads of realistic details, including a miniature cricket pitch. Where the Cubs are losing 8-nil.
# # #
TakefiveT5@yahoo.com
We spent seven straight days at Orlando theme parks, which, as advertised, truly are the Happiest Places on Earth, especially at the end of the day, when “cast members” happily check your bags at the exits and remove all remaining unspent money.
Interestingly, the success of the parks is highly dependent on the badly impaired short-term memories of fun-seeking consumers. Furthermore, the success of the parks is highly dependent on the badly impaired short-term memories of fun-seeking consumers.
For example: a fun-seeking family spends 57 stupefying minutes pestering and agitating each other while sweltering in line for an “experience” that lasts 133 thrilling seconds. They stagger out the exits jostled by a sweaty horde of fellow fun-seeking consumers. Then, having forgotten everything except those 133 thrilling seconds, the fun-seeking family and the entire sweaty horde jockey for spots in the same line, which is now 23 minutes longer, to do it all over again.
Of course, experienced Orlan-doers would mock that fun-seeking family for not using the quick-entry method known as the Fastpass. With a Fastpass, one avoids “regular” waits for rides and attractions by traveling in a separate line that moves way more speedily. We used Fastpasses when we could, but the kids thoughtfully made sure we got the complete theme-park experience by learning to compress 57 minutes of pestering and agitation into waits as short as 10 minutes.
Of course, you don’t have to rely solely on your fun-seeking family to irritate you while you’re enjoying Online-do. Let me help, with the following fascinating stuff to ponder while you’re sweltering in the Slowpass (only without the “p”) lines. If none of this fascinates you, pester and agitate the surrounding sweaty horde with it; they might usher you in the Fastpass line just to get rid of you!:
> On the E.T. Adventure at Universal Studios, you take an airborne bike ride like Elliott and E.T. did in the movie. At one point, you “soar” above a highly detailed miniature city. There’s even a baseball stadium, with a game underway. The Cubs are losing 6-2.
> We shared our Happiest Pla-cetera vacation with my wife’s parents and her siblings and their families. Our sweaty horde was especially excited about the Expedition Everest ride at Disney’s Animal Kingdom, which features an audioanimatronic yeti at the ride’s climax. Everyone was babbling about it, and by the time we reached the park, various family members had garbled the name of the ride in a bunch of different ways. So for the rest of the trip, instead of talking about Expedition Everest with the Yeti on top, I pestered and agitated my kids by referring to it as “Exhibition Everett with the Eddie on top.”
By the way, the Yeti is scary, but it would’ve been radically more terrifying if Disney had installed an audioanimatronic version of my manic 7-year old neighbor kid, Eddie.
> During the Soaring attraction at Epcot, you “fly" through a film that glides over a variety of vibrant California scenery, including a nighttime cityscape. If you look quick, you can catch a glimpse of a brightly lit baseball stadium. Where the Cubs are losing 7-1.
> Diners at Cosmic Ray’s restaurant in The Magic Kingdom’s Tomorrowland are serenaded by an audioanimatronic alien named Sonny Eclipse. Unfortunately, Sonny’s shtick is very Yesterdayland. Considering that no one seemed to be paying one iota of attention to him, he appears dangerously close to being the second most ignored entertainer in history, after me. Although in an effort to change that, Sonny has a My Space web page. Really.
> During Peter Pan’s Flight at The Magic Kingdom, you ride over a miniature nighttime scene of London, with scads of realistic details, including a miniature cricket pitch. Where the Cubs are losing 8-nil.
# # #
TakefiveT5@yahoo.com
posted by Don Stuart at 4:45 PM
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