DCCXXVIII Words of Untold Super Storylines
The clock on the official website of the South Florida Super Bowl Host Committee is a-countin’ down quick! Only MCV (1,105) days to go! I speak, of course, of the Super Bowl the city of Miami will host AFTER this one. Yeah! The Super Bowl of MMX (2010)! (By the way, I can’t wait until the 49th Super Bowl, the Roman numerals for which are LIX.)
I hope this true factoid (that countdown clock is for real) proves once and for all that there are still scads of stupefyingly inane Super Bowl storylines that you haven’t heard since the Colts and Bears won their way into this year’s game. Which, for certifiable football fans, is starting to feel like MCV days ago.
I’m compelled to seek out big-time Big Game trivia to counter the sad defeatism coming from my fellow journalists, even, to their everlasting shame, from those spending two mid-winter weeks in Miami, studying game film of the Colts cheerleaders and gluttonizing free media buffets.
One so-called professional sports reporter even wrote “An army of writers, editors, producers and studio hosts are in the midst of a 13-day sit, knowing they stand almost no chance of producing a single unique keystroke or utterance amid the cacophony of the artificial-hype machine that will run non-stop from now until February 4th.”
This can’t-do attitude really sticks in my craw, right next to that tortilla chip that I should’ve chewed a little more thoroughly. And it proves – again! – that if only The Republican would’ve send ME on a two-week, all-expense paid trip to the Super Bowl, you and your fellow readers could be gorging on pithy reports like these, which I’ve unearthed even though I’m MCCCLXXXI agonizing miles away from cute-as-a-button CBS sideline reporter Bonnie Bernstein:
First off, if you’re the type who thinks football in general and the Super Bowl in particular are criminal wastes of open green spaces, you should immediately seek professional help. Also, try looking at the event from a multitude of angles, and in super-slow-motion, and I know you’ll discover something super-redeeming about Super Sunday.
For example, got an aspiring National Spelling Bee champ in the house? Then challenge them with some of these names from the Super Bowl rosters: Ogunleye, Vinatieri, Ayanbedejo, or the full name of the Colts’ Freddy Keiaho -- Naivote Taulawakeiaho.
In a similar vein, non-football fans will remain delightedly occupied between commercials by deciphering this headline from a Dutch website: “Kevin Federline is binnenkort spotjes van het jaar, de Super Bowl.”
(For the sake of readers like my Mom, who don’t capeesh “Kevin Federline”: he isn’t a football player, or a game announcer, or a halftime entertainer, or even a Dutch cheerleader. Come to think of it, I don’t know what Kevin Federline is, besides binnenkort spotjes.)
In the battle of Super Bowl nicknames, I figured the Colts would win handily the minute I spotted Rocky Boiman on their roster. Then I learned that the Cincinnati-born player’s actual official name is Rocky, proving once again how weird people from Ohio are.
Still, the Colts do have Booger (“Anthony”) McFarland, which I think trumps Chicago’s Tank (“Terry”) Johnson. And even if it doesn’t, the Colts also have Demond L. Sanders, who beats ‘em all with his totally wacky nickname, “Bob.”
Caution, Bears fans: This factoid may trigger an earworm, which is a song or phrase that you can’t get out of your song or phrase that you can’t get out of your song or phrase that you can’t get . . .well, you get it. Repeat this Colts player’s name and hometown VII or VIII times in a sing-song fashion: Ryan Diem, from Carol Stream.
Destined to play for Indy? Number LXI in the blue and white is Dan Klecko, who was born in Colts Neck, New Jersey.
I’m a fan of Bears IIIrd-string quarterback Kyle Orton, and not just because he played for my beloved Purdue Boilermakers. It’s also because his dog is named “Elaine,” after the “Seinfeld” character played by Julia Louis-Dreyfus, who I declare is a perfect X.
Speaking of naming things, Chicago teammates Muhsin Muhammad and Brian Urlacher each have a child with the exact same – and somewhat unusual – first name: “Kennedy.” Curious-er still, both kids (a girl and a boy) also have the exact same nickname: “Demond.”
# # #
TakefiveT5@yahoo.com
I hope this true factoid (that countdown clock is for real) proves once and for all that there are still scads of stupefyingly inane Super Bowl storylines that you haven’t heard since the Colts and Bears won their way into this year’s game. Which, for certifiable football fans, is starting to feel like MCV days ago.
I’m compelled to seek out big-time Big Game trivia to counter the sad defeatism coming from my fellow journalists, even, to their everlasting shame, from those spending two mid-winter weeks in Miami, studying game film of the Colts cheerleaders and gluttonizing free media buffets.
One so-called professional sports reporter even wrote “An army of writers, editors, producers and studio hosts are in the midst of a 13-day sit, knowing they stand almost no chance of producing a single unique keystroke or utterance amid the cacophony of the artificial-hype machine that will run non-stop from now until February 4th.”
This can’t-do attitude really sticks in my craw, right next to that tortilla chip that I should’ve chewed a little more thoroughly. And it proves – again! – that if only The Republican would’ve send ME on a two-week, all-expense paid trip to the Super Bowl, you and your fellow readers could be gorging on pithy reports like these, which I’ve unearthed even though I’m MCCCLXXXI agonizing miles away from cute-as-a-button CBS sideline reporter Bonnie Bernstein:
First off, if you’re the type who thinks football in general and the Super Bowl in particular are criminal wastes of open green spaces, you should immediately seek professional help. Also, try looking at the event from a multitude of angles, and in super-slow-motion, and I know you’ll discover something super-redeeming about Super Sunday.
For example, got an aspiring National Spelling Bee champ in the house? Then challenge them with some of these names from the Super Bowl rosters: Ogunleye, Vinatieri, Ayanbedejo, or the full name of the Colts’ Freddy Keiaho -- Naivote Taulawakeiaho.
In a similar vein, non-football fans will remain delightedly occupied between commercials by deciphering this headline from a Dutch website: “Kevin Federline is binnenkort spotjes van het jaar, de Super Bowl.”
(For the sake of readers like my Mom, who don’t capeesh “Kevin Federline”: he isn’t a football player, or a game announcer, or a halftime entertainer, or even a Dutch cheerleader. Come to think of it, I don’t know what Kevin Federline is, besides binnenkort spotjes.)
In the battle of Super Bowl nicknames, I figured the Colts would win handily the minute I spotted Rocky Boiman on their roster. Then I learned that the Cincinnati-born player’s actual official name is Rocky, proving once again how weird people from Ohio are.
Still, the Colts do have Booger (“Anthony”) McFarland, which I think trumps Chicago’s Tank (“Terry”) Johnson. And even if it doesn’t, the Colts also have Demond L. Sanders, who beats ‘em all with his totally wacky nickname, “Bob.”
Caution, Bears fans: This factoid may trigger an earworm, which is a song or phrase that you can’t get out of your song or phrase that you can’t get out of your song or phrase that you can’t get . . .well, you get it. Repeat this Colts player’s name and hometown VII or VIII times in a sing-song fashion: Ryan Diem, from Carol Stream.
Destined to play for Indy? Number LXI in the blue and white is Dan Klecko, who was born in Colts Neck, New Jersey.
I’m a fan of Bears IIIrd-string quarterback Kyle Orton, and not just because he played for my beloved Purdue Boilermakers. It’s also because his dog is named “Elaine,” after the “Seinfeld” character played by Julia Louis-Dreyfus, who I declare is a perfect X.
Speaking of naming things, Chicago teammates Muhsin Muhammad and Brian Urlacher each have a child with the exact same – and somewhat unusual – first name: “Kennedy.” Curious-er still, both kids (a girl and a boy) also have the exact same nickname: “Demond.”
# # #
TakefiveT5@yahoo.com
posted by Don Stuart at 4:24 PM
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