Snow Business vs. Show Business
The Winter Olympics are over, and I enjoyed every minute of them, from Bode to Button, from Slutskaya to Uusipaavalniemi, and everything in between. My family has even started "curling" the serving dishes to each other across the dinner table.
Today, I'm wondering how the happenings at this Sunday's Oscar ceremonies will compare to those at the Olympics.
For example, at the Olympics, you're always seeing the parents of the athletes in the audience, wearing silly hats and cheering with gusto.
At the Oscars, it's totally uncool to be seen anywhere near your parents, especially the silly-hat-wearing kind. So the stars always make their moms or dads drop them off a couple blocks from the Kodak Theater, and they walk the rest of the way.
> At the Olympics, athletes often stagger across the finish line and into the arms of their coaches and teammates.
At the Oscars, actors often stagger around the post-awards parties and into the arms of someone else's significant other.
> At the Olympics, athletes are frequently shown in extreme duress, especially the cross-country skiers, whose 15 seconds of fame always include extreme close-ups of their faces caked with frozen snot and spittle.
Not one single movie star at the Oscars has ever - and I mean EVER - excreted snot or spittle from their bodies. They have people who do that for them. Although that would make for a memorable on-stage moment: George Clooney, holding a golden statue aloft while wiping his nose on his sleeve.
> At the Olympics, almost all the athletes - from figure skaters to alpine skiers to bobsledders - are dressed in outrageously bizarre outfits.
But then, that pretty much describes most Oscar fashions too.
> Speaking of goofy fashions, they're usually draped over the bods of starlets who look like they weigh less than Shani Davis' speed skates. But don't be fooled; in reality every actress vogueing down the red carpet far outweighs Croatian skier Janica Kostelic, who tips the scales at 158 pounds. That is, if you factor in the weight of the actresses egos.
> It's not unusual to hear Olympic athletes say they hope to get into show business - acting, music, vogueing, etc. - after their careers are over. It even works sometimes, especially for figure skaters of unusual talent, like Sonja Henie (star of films like "Sun Valley Serenade" and "Iceland"), or Katarina Witt (actress in "Ronin," and model for Playboy), or Tonya Harding (celebrity - I use the word verrrrrry loosely - boxer).
However, thus far, in all my years of careful Oscar-vation (a play on "observation" - get it?) I have yet to hear of a movie star who's ready to quit acting and take up a winter sport. ("What's your next project Charlize?" "Well, I'm quitting movies. I've finally made it onto the Olympic Luge Development squad, so I'm off to Bemidji!")
> Finally, let's examine words associated with both the Olympic sport of curling AND the Oscars:
Hack: In curling, it's the spot where the curlers push off to initiate their shot. At the Oscars, it's what the lugers - I mean, losers - of Best Screenplay call the winner.
Stones: One of several names for the hunks of granite that curlers slide along the ice. At the Oscars, someone who gets on-stage and makes a controversial political comment is said to have. . .well, the first word in this paragraph.
Sheets: This is the proper name for the expanses of ice that curlers play upon. At the Oscars, it's a measure of how good a time you had at the post-award parties, when used with the phrase "to the wind."
TakefiveT5@yahoo.com
Today, I'm wondering how the happenings at this Sunday's Oscar ceremonies will compare to those at the Olympics.
For example, at the Olympics, you're always seeing the parents of the athletes in the audience, wearing silly hats and cheering with gusto.
At the Oscars, it's totally uncool to be seen anywhere near your parents, especially the silly-hat-wearing kind. So the stars always make their moms or dads drop them off a couple blocks from the Kodak Theater, and they walk the rest of the way.
> At the Olympics, athletes often stagger across the finish line and into the arms of their coaches and teammates.
At the Oscars, actors often stagger around the post-awards parties and into the arms of someone else's significant other.
> At the Olympics, athletes are frequently shown in extreme duress, especially the cross-country skiers, whose 15 seconds of fame always include extreme close-ups of their faces caked with frozen snot and spittle.
Not one single movie star at the Oscars has ever - and I mean EVER - excreted snot or spittle from their bodies. They have people who do that for them. Although that would make for a memorable on-stage moment: George Clooney, holding a golden statue aloft while wiping his nose on his sleeve.
> At the Olympics, almost all the athletes - from figure skaters to alpine skiers to bobsledders - are dressed in outrageously bizarre outfits.
But then, that pretty much describes most Oscar fashions too.
> Speaking of goofy fashions, they're usually draped over the bods of starlets who look like they weigh less than Shani Davis' speed skates. But don't be fooled; in reality every actress vogueing down the red carpet far outweighs Croatian skier Janica Kostelic, who tips the scales at 158 pounds. That is, if you factor in the weight of the actresses egos.
> It's not unusual to hear Olympic athletes say they hope to get into show business - acting, music, vogueing, etc. - after their careers are over. It even works sometimes, especially for figure skaters of unusual talent, like Sonja Henie (star of films like "Sun Valley Serenade" and "Iceland"), or Katarina Witt (actress in "Ronin," and model for Playboy), or Tonya Harding (celebrity - I use the word verrrrrry loosely - boxer).
However, thus far, in all my years of careful Oscar-vation (a play on "observation" - get it?) I have yet to hear of a movie star who's ready to quit acting and take up a winter sport. ("What's your next project Charlize?" "Well, I'm quitting movies. I've finally made it onto the Olympic Luge Development squad, so I'm off to Bemidji!")
> Finally, let's examine words associated with both the Olympic sport of curling AND the Oscars:
Hack: In curling, it's the spot where the curlers push off to initiate their shot. At the Oscars, it's what the lugers - I mean, losers - of Best Screenplay call the winner.
Stones: One of several names for the hunks of granite that curlers slide along the ice. At the Oscars, someone who gets on-stage and makes a controversial political comment is said to have. . .well, the first word in this paragraph.
Sheets: This is the proper name for the expanses of ice that curlers play upon. At the Oscars, it's a measure of how good a time you had at the post-award parties, when used with the phrase "to the wind."
# # #
TakefiveT5@yahoo.com
posted by Don Stuart at 11:57 PM
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