A Million Little Teases
OK, I admit it—the headline above isn't quite technically true. This column doesn't tease James Frey—the author of the best-selling book "A Million Little Pieces"—a million times. More like two million.
I presume everyone knows the backstory surrounding James Frey: egomaniacal author writes passionate and supposedly true account of his bizarre and dangerous life; the truthfulness of many of his claims is called into question; he promises never to write about himself again. Again, just to clarify, this is James Frey's backstory, NOT mine.
In some respects, I can't believe I'm writing about Frey at all. I'd planned to write about the Chinese New Year, and share some recipes for some traditional holiday dishes. This was gonna be a column about stir-fry; instead I'm here to stir Frey.
Secondly, I vowed long ago never to mention any writer whom Oprah Winfrey has recommended to her Book Club until Oprah recommends me. Which she hasn't, unless there's something you Oprah watchers aren't telling me.
But I must break that vow, due to my close personal connectivyt to James Frey. You see, we were both in Folsom Prison at the same time. Or was it Attica?
OK, it's neither, because it's not factually true (the closest I've come to prison is listening to Johnny Cash's "Folsom Prison Blues"). But that's the type of "embellishment" that Frey admits adding to several pieces of "Pieces," especially those relating to his scrapes with the law.
But here are several non-embellished factualities, proving that I have a wealth of completely unique knowledge about Frey:
> I live in the same southwest Michigan community where Frey spent his supposedly bizarre and dangerous teenage years!
> His father and I worked in the same building, and often passed one another in the hallways!
> I personally know someone who personally went to high school with James Frey!
> My No. 3 son (age 10) says a teacher at his school personally went to high school with James Frey!
> His mother's name is Lynne, and while in high school, I dated a girl named Lynn!
Anyone who's in 999,999 little pieces or fewer will immediately see what all this means: I'm just one degree of separation from James Frey! Consequently, I hereby make myself available to any nationally distributed media outlet—say, starting with "Oprah"—that wants to talk about me. I mean, that wants to talk with me about me. Oh, and my in-depth personal knowledge of James Frey.
Frey and his publisher, Doubleday, marketed and sold "A Million Little Pieces" as a memoir. But with holes being poked in Frey's story, his memory may be better described as a mem-awry.
By the way, this flap has actually spurred interest in the book; sales have climbed since all the huffing and puffing began, proving once again that there's no such thing as bad publicity. And while Frey may find Doubleday uninterested in his next book proposal, rumor has it that several other publishers are pursuing him, with the front-runner being Doubledeal.
Speaking of publicity, Frey has a reputation as a huge hound for it. Salon.com suggested as long ago as April '03—when "A Million Little Pieces" was just hitting the market—that celebrity was his newest addiction.
I'm anxious to feed this jones, and help him remain a sleb, if only because he might generate more controversy in the future that would make for more great column topics. So here are some of my ideas for his next book, all of them non-fiction:
> An inside look at the world of child portrait photographers: "A Million Little Cheeses."
> The life and times of the world's busiest dry cleaner: "A Million Little Creases."
> An expose of the global fishing industry: "A Million Little Pisces."
> A history of dissertations written by Ph.D. candidates: "A Million Little Theses."
> A first-person account of running in one of those 100-mile ultra-marathon foot races: "A Million Little Wheezes."
> An investigative work about con artists and grifters: "A Million Little Sleazes."
Again, I offer these ideas as a public service to Mr. Frey, and ask only this, if he pursues one of these surefire blockbuster ideas, give me credit in the acknowledgments.
Plus a million little $1 bills.
TakefiveT5@yahoo.com
I presume everyone knows the backstory surrounding James Frey: egomaniacal author writes passionate and supposedly true account of his bizarre and dangerous life; the truthfulness of many of his claims is called into question; he promises never to write about himself again. Again, just to clarify, this is James Frey's backstory, NOT mine.
In some respects, I can't believe I'm writing about Frey at all. I'd planned to write about the Chinese New Year, and share some recipes for some traditional holiday dishes. This was gonna be a column about stir-fry; instead I'm here to stir Frey.
Secondly, I vowed long ago never to mention any writer whom Oprah Winfrey has recommended to her Book Club until Oprah recommends me. Which she hasn't, unless there's something you Oprah watchers aren't telling me.
But I must break that vow, due to my close personal connectivyt to James Frey. You see, we were both in Folsom Prison at the same time. Or was it Attica?
OK, it's neither, because it's not factually true (the closest I've come to prison is listening to Johnny Cash's "Folsom Prison Blues"). But that's the type of "embellishment" that Frey admits adding to several pieces of "Pieces," especially those relating to his scrapes with the law.
But here are several non-embellished factualities, proving that I have a wealth of completely unique knowledge about Frey:
> I live in the same southwest Michigan community where Frey spent his supposedly bizarre and dangerous teenage years!
> His father and I worked in the same building, and often passed one another in the hallways!
> I personally know someone who personally went to high school with James Frey!
> My No. 3 son (age 10) says a teacher at his school personally went to high school with James Frey!
> His mother's name is Lynne, and while in high school, I dated a girl named Lynn!
Anyone who's in 999,999 little pieces or fewer will immediately see what all this means: I'm just one degree of separation from James Frey! Consequently, I hereby make myself available to any nationally distributed media outlet—say, starting with "Oprah"—that wants to talk about me. I mean, that wants to talk with me about me. Oh, and my in-depth personal knowledge of James Frey.
Frey and his publisher, Doubleday, marketed and sold "A Million Little Pieces" as a memoir. But with holes being poked in Frey's story, his memory may be better described as a mem-awry.
By the way, this flap has actually spurred interest in the book; sales have climbed since all the huffing and puffing began, proving once again that there's no such thing as bad publicity. And while Frey may find Doubleday uninterested in his next book proposal, rumor has it that several other publishers are pursuing him, with the front-runner being Doubledeal.
Speaking of publicity, Frey has a reputation as a huge hound for it. Salon.com suggested as long ago as April '03—when "A Million Little Pieces" was just hitting the market—that celebrity was his newest addiction.
I'm anxious to feed this jones, and help him remain a sleb, if only because he might generate more controversy in the future that would make for more great column topics. So here are some of my ideas for his next book, all of them non-fiction:
> An inside look at the world of child portrait photographers: "A Million Little Cheeses."
> The life and times of the world's busiest dry cleaner: "A Million Little Creases."
> An expose of the global fishing industry: "A Million Little Pisces."
> A history of dissertations written by Ph.D. candidates: "A Million Little Theses."
> A first-person account of running in one of those 100-mile ultra-marathon foot races: "A Million Little Wheezes."
> An investigative work about con artists and grifters: "A Million Little Sleazes."
Again, I offer these ideas as a public service to Mr. Frey, and ask only this, if he pursues one of these surefire blockbuster ideas, give me credit in the acknowledgments.
Plus a million little $1 bills.
# # #
TakefiveT5@yahoo.com
posted by Don Stuart at 9:57 AM
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