The Foreigners Who Control the Globes
I am seriously atwitter with excitement. I've applied for membership in the Hollywood Foreign Press Association—or HFPA—and I think I'm a shoo-in. After all, I submitted several columns from my Indiana and Michigan newspapers, and rumor has it that, to folks in Hollywood, this is in the heart of another country -- flyover country! Which Hollywood has always considered quite foreign.
Why do I want in the HFPA? Because only HFPA members are allowed to vote in the annual Golden Globe Awards, which the HFPA will present, for the 63rd time, Jan. 16. But it's not just the vote. It's also that, since the Globes seem to influence Oscar and Emmy selections more every year, and Globe nominees and winners get gajillions of dollars worth of publicity, well -- just think of the bribes I'd get for my Globe votes!
Ho-ho, just joshing. Sort of. But having such thoughts rattling around in my head made me want to know more about the HFPA. Today I'll take you inside the Association, sharing the details of the exhaustive research I've conducted over the last 17 or 18 minutes.
The HFPA was created in 1943. It had only eight members, but still held its first awards luncheon that year. Budgets for the awards ceremonies in the early days were pretty tight. In 1944, centerpieces for the tables were hastily thrown together by actress Joan Bennett's gardener (and I do mean "hastily"; Joan Bennett's gardner was said to be the model for the groundskeeper in "Caddyshack." )
Some people are surprised to learn that the HFPA remains really small even today; there are only 93 people, each controlling Golden Globe votes worth gajillions in bribes. I mean, publicity.
It must be the stringent performance requirements that keep membership low. To remain a member, HFPA-ers must contribute, every year, at least four "items of exemplary work" about America's showbiz industry to news outlets in countries that lust for items of work about America's showbiz industry. Four whole items of work. . .in just one year? And all of them exemplary? Imagine the burden!
I searched the Internet for items of exemplary work by HFPA members, to learn if they're near-sacred oracles of entertainment knowledge, as I am for you faithful readers. But I had trouble finding any "items of work," exemplary or otherwise.
For example, I typed in "Ray Arco" (who's said to work for Canadian media) and received 219 links. About 25 were lists of HFPA members, or articles by people in the non-foreign press asking "Who's Ray Arco?" Most of the rest were pages featuring Ray's Arco gas station in El Monte, Calif.
A search for Helen Hoehne (Germany) turned up 14 pages, Aug Berggren Morisse (Norway) just eight, and Gilda Baum-Lappe (Mexico) only five.
But I finally found an article written by an HFPA member: Kiki Brettschneider, who—along with 15 other HFPA correspondents—supplies material to German media.
Here's an item of Kiki's exemplary work, translated by Google. It's an interview she supposedly conducted with actress Julia Roberts about Julia's film "Notting Hill." I really and truly did not make this up, although I desperately wish I had.
For starters, there's this author's note: "Interviews with Julia Robert (no "s"!) are hot desired." This lively banter follows:
Kiki: How does one feel as a female favourite star?
Julia: By many to be admired is beautiful, but I do not cause, if I completely normally on the way am, mass on runs.
K: Is it correct that you have a "Nacktheits clause" in all contracts?
J: Some of these clauses are simply amusing for crying. From the left hinterbacke one may see only up to the gruebchen or the cutout only up to the right summer rung. With me the clause is simple: no Nacktheit scenes.
K: They go however with Hugh Grant to bed.
J: That was stink sour, because I undressed not completely (laughs sound-end).
K: It was however so well Nacktheit. Only it wore one stringer Tanga with the rotation, told it us.
J: Oh which, stringer Tanga. It plugged itself simply only its pants between the Po cheeks.
Wowie! With items of exemplary work like this, I guess it's clear why news of America's showbiz industry is so hot desired in Germany!
I gotta tell, you, Kiki's efforts have truly inspired me. I sure hope I keep you faithful readers this well informed. And I hereby vow that if I become an HFPA member, I'll consistently deliver items of work so exemplary that you'll laugh your left hinterbacke off.
Or at least get a pleasant sensation in your gruebchen.
By the way, with exemplary work like the Julia Roberts interview, do you think Kiki should consider changing her name to Kinki? TakefiveT5@yahoo.com
Why do I want in the HFPA? Because only HFPA members are allowed to vote in the annual Golden Globe Awards, which the HFPA will present, for the 63rd time, Jan. 16. But it's not just the vote. It's also that, since the Globes seem to influence Oscar and Emmy selections more every year, and Globe nominees and winners get gajillions of dollars worth of publicity, well -- just think of the bribes I'd get for my Globe votes!
Ho-ho, just joshing. Sort of. But having such thoughts rattling around in my head made me want to know more about the HFPA. Today I'll take you inside the Association, sharing the details of the exhaustive research I've conducted over the last 17 or 18 minutes.
The HFPA was created in 1943. It had only eight members, but still held its first awards luncheon that year. Budgets for the awards ceremonies in the early days were pretty tight. In 1944, centerpieces for the tables were hastily thrown together by actress Joan Bennett's gardener (and I do mean "hastily"; Joan Bennett's gardner was said to be the model for the groundskeeper in "Caddyshack." )
Some people are surprised to learn that the HFPA remains really small even today; there are only 93 people, each controlling Golden Globe votes worth gajillions in bribes. I mean, publicity.
It must be the stringent performance requirements that keep membership low. To remain a member, HFPA-ers must contribute, every year, at least four "items of exemplary work" about America's showbiz industry to news outlets in countries that lust for items of work about America's showbiz industry. Four whole items of work. . .in just one year? And all of them exemplary? Imagine the burden!
I searched the Internet for items of exemplary work by HFPA members, to learn if they're near-sacred oracles of entertainment knowledge, as I am for you faithful readers. But I had trouble finding any "items of work," exemplary or otherwise.
For example, I typed in "Ray Arco" (who's said to work for Canadian media) and received 219 links. About 25 were lists of HFPA members, or articles by people in the non-foreign press asking "Who's Ray Arco?" Most of the rest were pages featuring Ray's Arco gas station in El Monte, Calif.
A search for Helen Hoehne (Germany) turned up 14 pages, Aug Berggren Morisse (Norway) just eight, and Gilda Baum-Lappe (Mexico) only five.
But I finally found an article written by an HFPA member: Kiki Brettschneider, who—along with 15 other HFPA correspondents—supplies material to German media.
Here's an item of Kiki's exemplary work, translated by Google. It's an interview she supposedly conducted with actress Julia Roberts about Julia's film "Notting Hill." I really and truly did not make this up, although I desperately wish I had.
For starters, there's this author's note: "Interviews with Julia Robert (no "s"!) are hot desired." This lively banter follows:
Kiki: How does one feel as a female favourite star?
Julia: By many to be admired is beautiful, but I do not cause, if I completely normally on the way am, mass on runs.
K: Is it correct that you have a "Nacktheits clause" in all contracts?
J: Some of these clauses are simply amusing for crying. From the left hinterbacke one may see only up to the gruebchen or the cutout only up to the right summer rung. With me the clause is simple: no Nacktheit scenes.
K: They go however with Hugh Grant to bed.
J: That was stink sour, because I undressed not completely (laughs sound-end).
K: It was however so well Nacktheit. Only it wore one stringer Tanga with the rotation, told it us.
J: Oh which, stringer Tanga. It plugged itself simply only its pants between the Po cheeks.
Wowie! With items of exemplary work like this, I guess it's clear why news of America's showbiz industry is so hot desired in Germany!
I gotta tell, you, Kiki's efforts have truly inspired me. I sure hope I keep you faithful readers this well informed. And I hereby vow that if I become an HFPA member, I'll consistently deliver items of work so exemplary that you'll laugh your left hinterbacke off.
Or at least get a pleasant sensation in your gruebchen.
# # #
By the way, with exemplary work like the Julia Roberts interview, do you think Kiki should consider changing her name to Kinki? TakefiveT5@yahoo.com
posted by Don Stuart at 3:39 PM
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