Scraping the Bottom of the Bowls
No matter how much you love college football, this is the time of year when you just have to roll your eyes and say "Gimme a break."
Honestly, why in the name of Spike Dykes (former Texas Tech coach) are we forced to wait until December 20th for the first bowl game? There should be at least two dozen more post-season contests added to the schedule! Or however many it takes for my beloved Purdue Boilermakers to be invited to play in one.
Of course, not everyone agrees with me. My wife, for example, holds the absurd notion that I already watch too much football. She was so mad the other Saturday when I spent an entire afternoon pondering why Texas State's helmets bear a logo of Donald Trump's hairdo. Turns out it was the head of a Bobcat. A Bobcat with one butt-ugly hairdo.
But this is exactly the sort of knowledge that can only be acquired through viewing a glut of college football bowl games. Not to mention the following fascinating facts, stuff so meaningful that I'll never forget it. At least until the next episode of "Wife Swap":
Is it just me, or does this University of Toledo lineman's name bring to mind a certain breed of dog famous for rescuing people in the "Beethoven" movies?: Bernard Faithful.
The University of Texas-El Paso has a lineman with the unthreatening name of Colby Meek. But even he probably feels bold enough to razz University of Central Florida lineman Jason Coward.
Meek has a teammate named Jordan Tubig, who weighs 320 pounds. Tubig indeed.
Arkansas State's defense must be the most penalized unit in the nation; there's a flag on every darn play - lineman Brian Flagg.
Ark State made this guy an offensive lineman, but they have GOT to switch him to quarterback: Vincent Thrower.
Competing for the 2005 "Top Mark Award," for the player most likely to make his mark on the sport, were finalists Kevin Mark of Colorado State, Demarcus Nash of Memphis, and Marque Hall of South Carolina. But none was markier than Markiest Sanders of Southern Mississippi.
How did that Manning who quarterbacks the Indianapolis Colts get so darn good? Maybe he worked with Southern Mississippi's Peyton Tutor.
I'm not the first to mention this, but: spell University of California quarterback Joe Ayoob's name backward and you get "Boo-ya!"
And cries of "Lookin' good Honey!" by Cal fans aren't always aimed at the cheerleaders; sometimes they're for defensive back Jason Honey.
Every Colorado State football player receives extra credit in geometry this season whenever they box in, circle around, or angle toward their teammate Alex Square.
It must be scary to face the team from Navy, with guys like Joey Bullen, Hunter Armour, Greg Thrasher, and Ethan Gouge. But even Navy gets queasy about playing the Boise State Broncos, with Derek Tough and Dan Gore. Or worse still, the Memphis Tigers, who are led by Taz Knockum and Brandon Slaughter.
On the other hand, these players sound like they could be a group of slightly eccentric Hogwarts professors: Central Florida's Cedric Gagne-Marcoux and Leger Douzable, and North Carolina State's LeRue Rumph and Guerlin Dervil.
First stringers on the All-Literary team include Clemson's Chris Capote, Auburn's Wayne Dickens, LSU's Donnie Chaucer, and Central Florida's Sheldon Shakespeare.
I wish the Akron Zips and the Houston Cougars played in the same bowl game, if only for the chance of seeing Akron's Frank Berchie square off against Houston's Broderic Bean. Announcer #1: "How about that tackle, Stosh?" Announcer #2: "Whoa, Biff! Frank and Bean just got mixed into one big stinkin' collision!"
And imagine the boffo broadcast banter we'd enjoy if Rutgers and Clemson played each other, and Rutgers defender Robert Baham took down Clemson receiver Curtis Baham: "Hot-dang, Boomer, that was a real Baham-Baham play!"
The most appropriately named defensive back in the nation has to be Akron's Reggie Corner.
Arizona State receiver Moey Mutz. You decide -- is this the real name of a real guy?
In closing, please note that only one new game was added to this year's post-season schedule - the Poinsettia Bowl - and no games relocated or changed host cities. I'm relieved about this, because during these lazy days of gridiron gluttony I don't like to deal with bowl movements.
Yep, Moey's a real guy. . .but you Mutz have known that. TakefiveT5@yahoo.com
Honestly, why in the name of Spike Dykes (former Texas Tech coach) are we forced to wait until December 20th for the first bowl game? There should be at least two dozen more post-season contests added to the schedule! Or however many it takes for my beloved Purdue Boilermakers to be invited to play in one.
Of course, not everyone agrees with me. My wife, for example, holds the absurd notion that I already watch too much football. She was so mad the other Saturday when I spent an entire afternoon pondering why Texas State's helmets bear a logo of Donald Trump's hairdo. Turns out it was the head of a Bobcat. A Bobcat with one butt-ugly hairdo.
But this is exactly the sort of knowledge that can only be acquired through viewing a glut of college football bowl games. Not to mention the following fascinating facts, stuff so meaningful that I'll never forget it. At least until the next episode of "Wife Swap":
Is it just me, or does this University of Toledo lineman's name bring to mind a certain breed of dog famous for rescuing people in the "Beethoven" movies?: Bernard Faithful.
The University of Texas-El Paso has a lineman with the unthreatening name of Colby Meek. But even he probably feels bold enough to razz University of Central Florida lineman Jason Coward.
Meek has a teammate named Jordan Tubig, who weighs 320 pounds. Tubig indeed.
Arkansas State's defense must be the most penalized unit in the nation; there's a flag on every darn play - lineman Brian Flagg.
Ark State made this guy an offensive lineman, but they have GOT to switch him to quarterback: Vincent Thrower.
Competing for the 2005 "Top Mark Award," for the player most likely to make his mark on the sport, were finalists Kevin Mark of Colorado State, Demarcus Nash of Memphis, and Marque Hall of South Carolina. But none was markier than Markiest Sanders of Southern Mississippi.
How did that Manning who quarterbacks the Indianapolis Colts get so darn good? Maybe he worked with Southern Mississippi's Peyton Tutor.
I'm not the first to mention this, but: spell University of California quarterback Joe Ayoob's name backward and you get "Boo-ya!"
And cries of "Lookin' good Honey!" by Cal fans aren't always aimed at the cheerleaders; sometimes they're for defensive back Jason Honey.
Every Colorado State football player receives extra credit in geometry this season whenever they box in, circle around, or angle toward their teammate Alex Square.
It must be scary to face the team from Navy, with guys like Joey Bullen, Hunter Armour, Greg Thrasher, and Ethan Gouge. But even Navy gets queasy about playing the Boise State Broncos, with Derek Tough and Dan Gore. Or worse still, the Memphis Tigers, who are led by Taz Knockum and Brandon Slaughter.
On the other hand, these players sound like they could be a group of slightly eccentric Hogwarts professors: Central Florida's Cedric Gagne-Marcoux and Leger Douzable, and North Carolina State's LeRue Rumph and Guerlin Dervil.
First stringers on the All-Literary team include Clemson's Chris Capote, Auburn's Wayne Dickens, LSU's Donnie Chaucer, and Central Florida's Sheldon Shakespeare.
I wish the Akron Zips and the Houston Cougars played in the same bowl game, if only for the chance of seeing Akron's Frank Berchie square off against Houston's Broderic Bean. Announcer #1: "How about that tackle, Stosh?" Announcer #2: "Whoa, Biff! Frank and Bean just got mixed into one big stinkin' collision!"
And imagine the boffo broadcast banter we'd enjoy if Rutgers and Clemson played each other, and Rutgers defender Robert Baham took down Clemson receiver Curtis Baham: "Hot-dang, Boomer, that was a real Baham-Baham play!"
The most appropriately named defensive back in the nation has to be Akron's Reggie Corner.
Arizona State receiver Moey Mutz. You decide -- is this the real name of a real guy?
In closing, please note that only one new game was added to this year's post-season schedule - the Poinsettia Bowl - and no games relocated or changed host cities. I'm relieved about this, because during these lazy days of gridiron gluttony I don't like to deal with bowl movements.
# # #
Yep, Moey's a real guy. . .but you Mutz have known that. TakefiveT5@yahoo.com
posted by Don Stuart at 4:05 PM
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