Tv's Emmy-azing Awards Show!
Dozens of sponsors of the 2005 Emmy Awards show fled in terror from a pre-production meeting in Tinseltown last week. They'd just heard that the Sept. 18 show will feature Donald Trump singing the theme to the old TV show "Green Acres." And then, during an impromptu rehearsal, they actually HEARD Donald Trump sing the "Green Acres" theme.
Earplug sales also spiked on the news that William Shatner will croon for Emmy. He originally wanted to sing the theme song from "Star Trek," and the Emmy show producers sighed with relief and said sure; they knew the "Star Trek" theme has no lyrics. But then Trump said, "Hey, he can do the Eva Gabor parts of 'Green Acres' with me!"
Apparently this "Ludicrous Renditions of Ludicrous TV Theme Songs" idea is supposed to lure audiences back to the Emmy broadcast, which lost millions of viewers in 2004 compared to 2003.
I don't know. Surely there are better ways to enhance market penetration to demographically desirable target segments. For example, bring back Dwight Hemion. Yes, THE Dwight Hemion, nominated for more Emmys — 47 — than anyone in human history (for producing and directing splashy awards shows and musical specials. . .think Streisand, Sinatra, or Trump). No one has WON more Emmys than Dwight either — he and producer/director James L. Brooks are tied with 18 statues each.
So how about a schmaltzy tribute to this Emmy-nent award winner! Heck, redesign the trophy after him and rename it the "Hemmy."
Of course, this might tick off the family of Louis McManus. Louis' connection to Emmy dates back to 1948, when the Emmys were created, and the members of the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences couldn't figure out what their annual award should look like. They rejected more statue designs than any creative arts academy in human history — 47 smackdowns total.
They initially hated McManus' design too, saying it looked too much like Simon Cowell. Shocked and dejected, McManus accidentally hurled his sculpture at the head of the Academy's president. Since it was not made from the highly bindable sand found at Harrison Hot Springs, British Columbia, it broke.
But when the dust settled, the Academy members loved what was left — it was a Heather Locklear lookalike, in a diaphanous gown, holding aloft William Shatner's toupee!
The Academy members roared their acceptance. McManus was ecstatic, but later, he had a devil of a time explaining the final version of the statue to his wife, who had posed for the original figure (and who really didn't look much like Simon Cowell. More like Regis Philbin.)
Speaking of Heather Locklear, if she's a member of the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences, then — like all members — she belongs to one of 26 "Peer Groups." While every Peer Group votes for the "Best Program" awards, the only other awards they can vote for are their Peer Group awards. So, for example, Dwight Hemion voted for himself 47 times in either the "Producer" or "Director" category. Teri Hatcher of "Desperate Housewives" will vote for herself this year in the "Performer " category. And on Hatcher's advice, Marcia Cross, also of "Housewives," will vote for herself in the "Lighting - Technical Operations" category.
Over the years, Emmys have gone to some truly lovely shows. And to some truly unlovely ones too. For example, the Emmy Awards show itself has won Emmys — two of them, for the disco-themed 1977 event.
I'm sure this year's Emmy program will be a front-runner for a 2006 Emmy, thanks to the vocal stylings of Trump and Shatner, and also thanks to such glamorous presenters as Halle Berry, Mariska Hargitay, Charlie Sheen, and "Sex and the City's" Richard Nixon.
Ooops, that should read "Cynthia Nixon." Although Richard Nixon did present Emmys once. In 1960, while he was the sitting VPOTUS (Vice President of the United States), he doled out the Emmys for excellence in news programming.
Apparently history's about to repeat itself. They say reigning Veep Dick Cheney will soon come out of hiding to present at the next Golden Globe Awards. Twice as many people will watch this as the Emmys. Not because of Cheney, but because the winners are escorted around the stage by Heather Locklear lookalikes. In diaphanous gowns.
Free to anyone who can remember anything about the 1977 Emmy show: the 45-RPM record, "The Complete 'Green Acres' Songbook." TakefiveT5@yahoo.com.
Earplug sales also spiked on the news that William Shatner will croon for Emmy. He originally wanted to sing the theme song from "Star Trek," and the Emmy show producers sighed with relief and said sure; they knew the "Star Trek" theme has no lyrics. But then Trump said, "Hey, he can do the Eva Gabor parts of 'Green Acres' with me!"
Apparently this "Ludicrous Renditions of Ludicrous TV Theme Songs" idea is supposed to lure audiences back to the Emmy broadcast, which lost millions of viewers in 2004 compared to 2003.
I don't know. Surely there are better ways to enhance market penetration to demographically desirable target segments. For example, bring back Dwight Hemion. Yes, THE Dwight Hemion, nominated for more Emmys — 47 — than anyone in human history (for producing and directing splashy awards shows and musical specials. . .think Streisand, Sinatra, or Trump). No one has WON more Emmys than Dwight either — he and producer/director James L. Brooks are tied with 18 statues each.
So how about a schmaltzy tribute to this Emmy-nent award winner! Heck, redesign the trophy after him and rename it the "Hemmy."
Of course, this might tick off the family of Louis McManus. Louis' connection to Emmy dates back to 1948, when the Emmys were created, and the members of the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences couldn't figure out what their annual award should look like. They rejected more statue designs than any creative arts academy in human history — 47 smackdowns total.
They initially hated McManus' design too, saying it looked too much like Simon Cowell. Shocked and dejected, McManus accidentally hurled his sculpture at the head of the Academy's president. Since it was not made from the highly bindable sand found at Harrison Hot Springs, British Columbia, it broke.
But when the dust settled, the Academy members loved what was left — it was a Heather Locklear lookalike, in a diaphanous gown, holding aloft William Shatner's toupee!
The Academy members roared their acceptance. McManus was ecstatic, but later, he had a devil of a time explaining the final version of the statue to his wife, who had posed for the original figure (and who really didn't look much like Simon Cowell. More like Regis Philbin.)
Speaking of Heather Locklear, if she's a member of the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences, then — like all members — she belongs to one of 26 "Peer Groups." While every Peer Group votes for the "Best Program" awards, the only other awards they can vote for are their Peer Group awards. So, for example, Dwight Hemion voted for himself 47 times in either the "Producer" or "Director" category. Teri Hatcher of "Desperate Housewives" will vote for herself this year in the "Performer " category. And on Hatcher's advice, Marcia Cross, also of "Housewives," will vote for herself in the "Lighting - Technical Operations" category.
Over the years, Emmys have gone to some truly lovely shows. And to some truly unlovely ones too. For example, the Emmy Awards show itself has won Emmys — two of them, for the disco-themed 1977 event.
I'm sure this year's Emmy program will be a front-runner for a 2006 Emmy, thanks to the vocal stylings of Trump and Shatner, and also thanks to such glamorous presenters as Halle Berry, Mariska Hargitay, Charlie Sheen, and "Sex and the City's" Richard Nixon.
Ooops, that should read "Cynthia Nixon." Although Richard Nixon did present Emmys once. In 1960, while he was the sitting VPOTUS (Vice President of the United States), he doled out the Emmys for excellence in news programming.
Apparently history's about to repeat itself. They say reigning Veep Dick Cheney will soon come out of hiding to present at the next Golden Globe Awards. Twice as many people will watch this as the Emmys. Not because of Cheney, but because the winners are escorted around the stage by Heather Locklear lookalikes. In diaphanous gowns.
# # #
Free to anyone who can remember anything about the 1977 Emmy show: the 45-RPM record, "The Complete 'Green Acres' Songbook." TakefiveT5@yahoo.com.
posted by Don Stuart at 12:42 PM
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