Dish-Owning Your Town's Name

Author's Note: In the middle of this story, I mock the name of a small Indiana town served by one of the newspapers that runs my weekly column. . .but if you send me the name of your town, I'd be glad to mock it instead.

Did you hear about the publicity stunt from EchoStar Communications, the satellite television company? EchoStar owns the Dish Network, and they've just announced an offer that guarantees you and your family ten uninterrupted years of "SpongeBob SquarePants," televised poker, and "The Anna Nicole Smith Show" — without costing you a single penny.

Let it not marvels you -- this is not a scam. It's bona fide. You'll receive a satellite receiver, standard installation, and a programming package with a special upgrade that automatically mutes all mentions of Paris Hilton.

And it's all scot-free — for a full decade! — to every household in any town in the United States willing to thoroughly, legally, and permanently — no "morning after" changes of heart — change its name to "Dish."

If you ask me, the name "Dish" would be absolutely perfect for some Rush County town. What a way to catapult your average everyday community into the national headlines, AND spend the next 120 months watching Spike TV for free!

Besides, "Dish" is a cutting edge name, a name that reflects our modern world, unlike most present Rush County town names. I mean, really, when it comes to keeping with the times, a town called "Carthage" is way out of Tunis.

But towns willing to set the table for a change to "Dish" better act quickly — EchoStar may already be playing favorites. An EchoStar spokesperson called Dishman, Oregon, a natural for the name change, saying, "All it would need to do is drop three letters." (A reporter who watches way too much Spike TV asked "Which three?")

Experts on the subject of name changes as publicity stunts (well, there's apparently only one such expert, a guy named Volkswagen Sanderson, who was quoted on money.cnn.com) say there's a precedent for the EchoStar promotion: Five years ago, Halfway, Oregon, changed its name to "Half.com," and the online company of that name gave the town $60,000 and 20 slightly used kayak paddles.

Still, towns seriously considering "Dish" may want to heed the hard lesson learned by the 25 or so citizens of Ismay, Montana.

On July 3, 1993, as a publicity stunt, Ismay changed its name to Joe, Montana. Yeah, in honor of the Hall of Fame NFL quarterback. The town threw a day-long celebration including a rodeo and a parade. But Joe Montana never set foot in Joe, Montana. And the townspeople, feeling forlorn, quickly changed the community's name again. . .to "Dismay." A sad and almost completely true story.

I'm hoping that no towns volunteer for "Dish" duty by the Nov. 1 deadline. Maybe then EchoStar will broaden the rules a bit, and allow towns to simply add "Dish" to their existing names. I think tourists, map makers, and goofy columnists would all get a kick out of communities with names like these:

• Dish-Watertown, N.Y.;
• Dish-Ware, Mass.;
• Dish-Panhandle, Texas;
• Dish-Crete, Ill.;
• Dish Ran Away with the Spooner, Wisc.

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Is a lovely lady who knows some juicy gossip a dish with dish? Let me know at TakefiveT5@yahoo.com.