The Year's Biggest Movie Cannes-vention
Thousands of motion picture industry-types are returning to the excruciating drudgery of their everyday lives in the aftermath of the world-renowned film festival held in Cannes, France. As your faithful observer of the global pop culture scene, I'm here to help you experience the shimmering glamour of Cannes, even though I wasn't actually there, and am reporting from the shimmering glamour of my basement.
There are a couple different ways to pronounce "Cannes." My favorite is "Con," because this is apparently the primary interest of people attending the Festival. One Fest-goer quoted on the Internet said, "Everyone in Cannes is looking to sell — a movie, a script, or themselves." And a BBC News staffer reported on the Web that she's met lots of Fest participants who only talk to people who can be "useful." So we see that, in addition to the Can-Can, France is also home to the Cannes-Con.
Every year at Cannes, a jury of esteemed motion picture industry-types views about 20 carefully selected films and awards one a "best-in-Fest" prize called the Palm d'Or, which is French for "Golden Palm."
(As I write this, the winner has yet to be announced. I suppose I could stay up late to capture the news, rewrite the whole column around it, and submit it just in the nick of time to meet my paper's deadline. But that's an awful lot of work, and I’m not up for it unless my editor agrees to give me an award, like, say, the Palm d'Chore.)
Besides the Palm d'Or-winning director, Cannes hosted 29,999 other Fest-goers this year, including 1,000 authors/directors, 4,000 film distributors, 5,000 producers, and 4,000 journalists. The remaining 15,999 attendees were Paris Hilton and her entourage.
This year, some lucky Festival attendees engaged in a form of "speed dating" for people trying to make contacts in the major motion picture business. Over 250 actors, composers, producers, directors, and screenwriters gathered and spent two hours trying to use — make that, meet - as many useful people as possible.
Most of these movie newbies were probably praying for a Cannes experience like that of Augusten Burroughs, the way-successful author of a best-selling book called "Running With Scissors." At Cannes, Universal Studios helped make Burroughs even more successful: it bought the movie rights to his next book, and lined up producers to make the film. Now there's just the minor matter of Burroughs writing the book. That's right, Universal has producers working on the movie version of a book that HASN'T BEEN WRITTEN! Can you say "Cannes-Con"?
One person who probably avoided Augusten Burroughs in Cannes was Danish director Lars Von Trier. Von Trier is widely known to have multiple phobias, and he's often tells interviewers, "Except for filmmaking, I'm afraid of everything in life." I'm guessing that includes running with scissors.
Von Trier has directed several movies that take place in the United States, even though he has never actually set foot on American soil. He says he makes these films "because America fills about 60 percent of my brain. All the words in there, all the things I've experienced in my life, about 60 percent of them are American." Rumor has it that the other 40 percent are multiple phobias of Paris Hilton and her entourage.
An actress named Bryce Dallas Howard stars in Von Trier's latest film, which was screened at Cannes. She said this about working with Lars: "I would amputate my toes to work with Lars again and that's not really an exaggeration, honestly." Von Trier was standing next to her at the time, and went ghostly pale and started shrieking in Danish about blood and scissors and Hamlet and promptly fainted.
Okay, I made up the whole bit about fainting, but you know, if Howard REALLY meant that quote — which she actually uttered — she'd definitely be in line to win the coveted Palm d'Gore.
Ohmigosh, that reminds me, I've got to finish this story and go make sure the kids didn't hurt themselves while harvesting dandelions! They weren't thrilled about the job, but I promised them a treat. I’ll buy them something from the official on-line boutique of the Festival de Cannes - the Palm d'Store.
Hey, do whatever you Cannes to drop me an e-mail. TakefiveT5@yahoo.com
There are a couple different ways to pronounce "Cannes." My favorite is "Con," because this is apparently the primary interest of people attending the Festival. One Fest-goer quoted on the Internet said, "Everyone in Cannes is looking to sell — a movie, a script, or themselves." And a BBC News staffer reported on the Web that she's met lots of Fest participants who only talk to people who can be "useful." So we see that, in addition to the Can-Can, France is also home to the Cannes-Con.
Every year at Cannes, a jury of esteemed motion picture industry-types views about 20 carefully selected films and awards one a "best-in-Fest" prize called the Palm d'Or, which is French for "Golden Palm."
(As I write this, the winner has yet to be announced. I suppose I could stay up late to capture the news, rewrite the whole column around it, and submit it just in the nick of time to meet my paper's deadline. But that's an awful lot of work, and I’m not up for it unless my editor agrees to give me an award, like, say, the Palm d'Chore.)
Besides the Palm d'Or-winning director, Cannes hosted 29,999 other Fest-goers this year, including 1,000 authors/directors, 4,000 film distributors, 5,000 producers, and 4,000 journalists. The remaining 15,999 attendees were Paris Hilton and her entourage.
This year, some lucky Festival attendees engaged in a form of "speed dating" for people trying to make contacts in the major motion picture business. Over 250 actors, composers, producers, directors, and screenwriters gathered and spent two hours trying to use — make that, meet - as many useful people as possible.
Most of these movie newbies were probably praying for a Cannes experience like that of Augusten Burroughs, the way-successful author of a best-selling book called "Running With Scissors." At Cannes, Universal Studios helped make Burroughs even more successful: it bought the movie rights to his next book, and lined up producers to make the film. Now there's just the minor matter of Burroughs writing the book. That's right, Universal has producers working on the movie version of a book that HASN'T BEEN WRITTEN! Can you say "Cannes-Con"?
One person who probably avoided Augusten Burroughs in Cannes was Danish director Lars Von Trier. Von Trier is widely known to have multiple phobias, and he's often tells interviewers, "Except for filmmaking, I'm afraid of everything in life." I'm guessing that includes running with scissors.
Von Trier has directed several movies that take place in the United States, even though he has never actually set foot on American soil. He says he makes these films "because America fills about 60 percent of my brain. All the words in there, all the things I've experienced in my life, about 60 percent of them are American." Rumor has it that the other 40 percent are multiple phobias of Paris Hilton and her entourage.
An actress named Bryce Dallas Howard stars in Von Trier's latest film, which was screened at Cannes. She said this about working with Lars: "I would amputate my toes to work with Lars again and that's not really an exaggeration, honestly." Von Trier was standing next to her at the time, and went ghostly pale and started shrieking in Danish about blood and scissors and Hamlet and promptly fainted.
Okay, I made up the whole bit about fainting, but you know, if Howard REALLY meant that quote — which she actually uttered — she'd definitely be in line to win the coveted Palm d'Gore.
Ohmigosh, that reminds me, I've got to finish this story and go make sure the kids didn't hurt themselves while harvesting dandelions! They weren't thrilled about the job, but I promised them a treat. I’ll buy them something from the official on-line boutique of the Festival de Cannes - the Palm d'Store.
# # #
Hey, do whatever you Cannes to drop me an e-mail. TakefiveT5@yahoo.com
posted by Don Stuart at 8:41 AM
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