Star Wars and Pieces
A long time ago, a galaxy far far away changed my life forever. On May 25, 1977, the first "Star Wars" movie premiered. Now, 10,421 days later, my home is littered with at least 10,422 officially licensed Star Wars toys.
And the end is nowhere in sight. No. 5 son has already announced that he wants his fifth birthday party in March 2006 to have a Star Wars theme.While this will result in hundreds more pieces of Star Wars junk underfoot, I was still thrilled about it, because he made my wife promise to wear a skimpy courtesan costume like the one Princess Leia wore when she was Jabba the Hutt's captive in "Return of the Jedi!" But then he made me promise to dress like Chewbacca. Which is why I won't be shaving between now and March 2006.
As the entire galaxy knows, the sixth Star Wars film is about to debut (May 19, for those of you not already in line for tickets). This will supposedly wrap up the saga. Well, except for the continued licensing of official Star Wars merchandise. And the live-action TV show spin-off. And the animated TV show spin-off. And the release of all six films in 3-D format.
Clearly, Star Wars is one of those "Things That Go On Forever," kind of like space itself, or the failure of the Cubs to reach the World Series.
The Star Wars story has been obsessively detailed by its legions of fans. Unfortunately, this has forced me to abandon my plan to claim credit for the original idea and seek compensation from Star Wars mastermind George Lucas. The upside is that I'm always picking up new pieces of trivia.
For example, I just found out that the original script of the first Star Wars flick was titled "Adventures of the Starkiller: Episode 1 - The Star Wars." I also learned that, until he was written out of the story, the role of "the Starkiller" was to be played by Simon Cowell.
Another new tidbit: Princess Leia had a last name — "Organa." Spirited away from her evil Pa, Darth Vader, she was adopted by that nice Organa family from the planet Alderaan. Her adoptive dad was a politician named "Bail." This is an inside joke among Star Wars fans, because the actor who was set to play Senator Organa in the first film backed out (or "bailed") on the role because he was sure the movie would flop.
(Interestingly, the Organa's other adopted daughter is never mentioned anywhere in the Star Wars canon. Seems she brought shame on the family by working as an exotic dancer in skimpy courtesan costumes, under the stage name "More-gana.")
Speaking of skimpy courtesan costumes, I'll bet that most every day, you curse your own wretched ignorance for not knowing who portrayed the villainous Jabba the Hutt. Well, despite the striking similarity of looks and voice, there's absolutely no truth to the rumor that it was Martha Stewart.
It IS true, however, that every morning, before the cameras rolled, Jabba ate three full-sized human persons. That is, they climbed inside the slobbering Jabba "puppet" to operate it. So if you ever meet a guy named Toby Philpott who says, "I was Jabba the Hutt's left arm," he's telling the truth.
After Star Wars, what's next for George Lucas? He has supposedly complained that all these Star Wars pieces "sidetracked" his life. I couldn't imagine what he would rather have done instead of earning billions of dollars making wildly popular movies. Then I heard his life's desire was to write a weekly humor column. Tough luck Georgie; my millions of fans would never turn from me to you for yuks! (Note to my millions of fans — could you please corroborate this?)
So Lucas will reluctantly continue his humdrum life, although he plans to make his movies more avant-garde and thought-provoking. Excitingly, I’ve received classified advance info about his first new project, straight from a privileged source located deep inside the Jabba the Hutt puppet.
It’s a provocative film about Princess Leia's later years. Plot details are sketchy, but the basic storyline has Leia (played once again by Carrie Fisher) leaving an unfulfilling relationship with a cranky Ewok (Simon Cowell) and becoming an exotic dancer after reuniting with her sister More-gana (Martha Stewart).
Have your droid write my droid. TakefiveT5@yahoo.com.
And the end is nowhere in sight. No. 5 son has already announced that he wants his fifth birthday party in March 2006 to have a Star Wars theme.While this will result in hundreds more pieces of Star Wars junk underfoot, I was still thrilled about it, because he made my wife promise to wear a skimpy courtesan costume like the one Princess Leia wore when she was Jabba the Hutt's captive in "Return of the Jedi!" But then he made me promise to dress like Chewbacca. Which is why I won't be shaving between now and March 2006.
As the entire galaxy knows, the sixth Star Wars film is about to debut (May 19, for those of you not already in line for tickets). This will supposedly wrap up the saga. Well, except for the continued licensing of official Star Wars merchandise. And the live-action TV show spin-off. And the animated TV show spin-off. And the release of all six films in 3-D format.
Clearly, Star Wars is one of those "Things That Go On Forever," kind of like space itself, or the failure of the Cubs to reach the World Series.
The Star Wars story has been obsessively detailed by its legions of fans. Unfortunately, this has forced me to abandon my plan to claim credit for the original idea and seek compensation from Star Wars mastermind George Lucas. The upside is that I'm always picking up new pieces of trivia.
For example, I just found out that the original script of the first Star Wars flick was titled "Adventures of the Starkiller: Episode 1 - The Star Wars." I also learned that, until he was written out of the story, the role of "the Starkiller" was to be played by Simon Cowell.
Another new tidbit: Princess Leia had a last name — "Organa." Spirited away from her evil Pa, Darth Vader, she was adopted by that nice Organa family from the planet Alderaan. Her adoptive dad was a politician named "Bail." This is an inside joke among Star Wars fans, because the actor who was set to play Senator Organa in the first film backed out (or "bailed") on the role because he was sure the movie would flop.
(Interestingly, the Organa's other adopted daughter is never mentioned anywhere in the Star Wars canon. Seems she brought shame on the family by working as an exotic dancer in skimpy courtesan costumes, under the stage name "More-gana.")
Speaking of skimpy courtesan costumes, I'll bet that most every day, you curse your own wretched ignorance for not knowing who portrayed the villainous Jabba the Hutt. Well, despite the striking similarity of looks and voice, there's absolutely no truth to the rumor that it was Martha Stewart.
It IS true, however, that every morning, before the cameras rolled, Jabba ate three full-sized human persons. That is, they climbed inside the slobbering Jabba "puppet" to operate it. So if you ever meet a guy named Toby Philpott who says, "I was Jabba the Hutt's left arm," he's telling the truth.
After Star Wars, what's next for George Lucas? He has supposedly complained that all these Star Wars pieces "sidetracked" his life. I couldn't imagine what he would rather have done instead of earning billions of dollars making wildly popular movies. Then I heard his life's desire was to write a weekly humor column. Tough luck Georgie; my millions of fans would never turn from me to you for yuks! (Note to my millions of fans — could you please corroborate this?)
So Lucas will reluctantly continue his humdrum life, although he plans to make his movies more avant-garde and thought-provoking. Excitingly, I’ve received classified advance info about his first new project, straight from a privileged source located deep inside the Jabba the Hutt puppet.
It’s a provocative film about Princess Leia's later years. Plot details are sketchy, but the basic storyline has Leia (played once again by Carrie Fisher) leaving an unfulfilling relationship with a cranky Ewok (Simon Cowell) and becoming an exotic dancer after reuniting with her sister More-gana (Martha Stewart).
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Have your droid write my droid. TakefiveT5@yahoo.com.
posted by Don Stuart at 10:06 AM
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