Our Land o' Spring Break Fun!
My family unit is slowly returning to "normal" after our spring break vacation, although as usual, my kids are still fuming at me for not doing something - anything - to make it last longer. They're particularly peeved that I changed the clocks on April 3rd. . .they're convinced Daylight Saving Time is something I made up to rob them of 60 precious minutes of vacation.
We traveled to Florida this year, figuring that No. 3, 4 and 5 sons (ages 9, 7 and just-turned-4) were in the prime of their lives for terrorizing the Orlando theme parks. Fortunately, we also figured out how the family budget would withstand the expense - we'll just home-college the kids.
Like most Stuart family vacations, we created scads of vivid memories that may very well scar us for life, among them:
* At the first park we visited, we learned that No. 5 son hates rides that move. And rides that don't move. And people dressed up as cartoon characters. And loud music. And crowds. So naturally, if you ask him if he enjoyed Orlando - which oppressed him at every turn with all those aggravations - he responds with a loud and emphatic "YES!"
* I think what he really enjoyed was the theme park food, the price of which left me shekel-shocked. To get my money's worth, I let no morsel go uneaten - I consumed every molecule the kids left over. Unfortunately, they kept ordering fat-encrusted cheeseburgers and fries. Three times a day. Every day.
However, with our 75th cheeseburger purchase, I received a coupon for 15% off my first angioplasty, to be performed at the new attraction Disney is currently building: the Magic Coronary Care Kingdom.
* In truth, the theme parks actually lost money on our food purchases, because the boys drenched their $7.50 cheeseburgers in $17 worth of ketchup. Three times a day. Every day.
* At every park, the kids marveled at how many rides failed or didn't work right. And you know, it's true - just about every ride is based on something going wrong: Your Jurassic Park river voyage veers off course into a paddock of Scarysaurs! Your "Star Tours" flight blunders into a battle against a Death Star! Your visit to "Men in Black" headquarters turns into a pitched battle against escaped aliens, several that look horrifyingly like Donald Trump!
* A great many theme park rides and attractions make a virtue of rust, weathering and decay - the House of Blues at Downtown Disney, the villages at Disney's Animal Kingdom, the "town" of Amity at Universal's "Jaws" ride. I assume this makes the settings look "authentic," with the added bonus of saving tons of money on maintenance and upkeep.
Unfortunately, this gave my wife an idea: slash the money spent on my maintenance out of the family budget! After all, she said, even though I require lots of upkeep (clothes, pedicures, botox, bikini waxes), with each passing year I still look more and more "authentic."
# # #
No more Mickey Mouse excuses - drop me a line! TakefiveT5@yahoo.com
We traveled to Florida this year, figuring that No. 3, 4 and 5 sons (ages 9, 7 and just-turned-4) were in the prime of their lives for terrorizing the Orlando theme parks. Fortunately, we also figured out how the family budget would withstand the expense - we'll just home-college the kids.
Like most Stuart family vacations, we created scads of vivid memories that may very well scar us for life, among them:
* At the first park we visited, we learned that No. 5 son hates rides that move. And rides that don't move. And people dressed up as cartoon characters. And loud music. And crowds. So naturally, if you ask him if he enjoyed Orlando - which oppressed him at every turn with all those aggravations - he responds with a loud and emphatic "YES!"
* I think what he really enjoyed was the theme park food, the price of which left me shekel-shocked. To get my money's worth, I let no morsel go uneaten - I consumed every molecule the kids left over. Unfortunately, they kept ordering fat-encrusted cheeseburgers and fries. Three times a day. Every day.
However, with our 75th cheeseburger purchase, I received a coupon for 15% off my first angioplasty, to be performed at the new attraction Disney is currently building: the Magic Coronary Care Kingdom.
* In truth, the theme parks actually lost money on our food purchases, because the boys drenched their $7.50 cheeseburgers in $17 worth of ketchup. Three times a day. Every day.
* At every park, the kids marveled at how many rides failed or didn't work right. And you know, it's true - just about every ride is based on something going wrong: Your Jurassic Park river voyage veers off course into a paddock of Scarysaurs! Your "Star Tours" flight blunders into a battle against a Death Star! Your visit to "Men in Black" headquarters turns into a pitched battle against escaped aliens, several that look horrifyingly like Donald Trump!
* A great many theme park rides and attractions make a virtue of rust, weathering and decay - the House of Blues at Downtown Disney, the villages at Disney's Animal Kingdom, the "town" of Amity at Universal's "Jaws" ride. I assume this makes the settings look "authentic," with the added bonus of saving tons of money on maintenance and upkeep.
Unfortunately, this gave my wife an idea: slash the money spent on my maintenance out of the family budget! After all, she said, even though I require lots of upkeep (clothes, pedicures, botox, bikini waxes), with each passing year I still look more and more "authentic."
# # #
No more Mickey Mouse excuses - drop me a line! TakefiveT5@yahoo.com
posted by Don Stuart at 9:05 AM
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