SAT Qs 4 U!
I caught No. 4 son (age 7) red-handed the other day, sneaking around the Internet looking for sample questions from the new and improved version of the SAT (the Supercalifragilisticexpi Alidocious Test).
I've told him a hundred times — the Web is ONLY to be used for downloading cheat codes that I can use in my desperate quest to beat his dad-blamed Nintendo games! So I scolded him and sent him to bed. He was mad, since it was only 2:30 a.m., but hey, it was a school night.
Then, when no one was looking, I tried solving a few sample SAT problems on msn.com. And a curious thing happened — I answered a question both right AND wrong: I chose "C" on a multiple-choice question, and the results page reported "C is not correct. Correct answer: C." Really.
Maybe this is why some high school kids think "SAT" stands for "Stupid Aggravating Timewaster."
I immediately saw the need for a journalistic expose of the SAT. So, with my alluringly youthful good looks fooling the proctors, I posed as a high school junior and snuck in to "take" the SAT. I took a copy all right, and share with you today these actual new and improved SAT questions:
Note to all prospective SAT takers: For this exclusive peek into the contents of the SAT, please send me 50 cents per question. Or at least an MP3 from 50 Cent.
From the "Art Appreciation Module":
Following are actual (honestly) lyrics from a composition by the wealthy music-industry insiders known as OutKast: "Bad choice of words/But I'm not the gun with silver bullets/And I can count, 1, 2, 3, plus I make great peanut butter/And jelly sandwiches...Van Helsing."
You have ten minutes to:
a) Translate these lyrics into Latin.
b) Calculate the song's net revenue potential, including projected earnings from iTunes sales, cell phone ring-tone sales, and adaptation for JIF TV commercials.
c) For extra credit, make the test proctor a JIF and jelly sandwich.
From the "Math Module":
A cruise ship is moving eastward at 240 meters per minute. A man runs northward across her deck at 180 meters per minute. Perform the necessary calculations to determine if he will achieve sufficient velocity to escape from the boyfriend of the woman he was flirting with.
From the "Current Events Module":
U.S. Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice recently caused a stir by appearing in public wearing:
a) A black skirt that ended above her knees.
b) A black trenchcoat-style jacket that ended well below her knees.
c) Stiletto-heeled black boots that hugged her calves all the way up to her knees.
d) All of the above at the same time.
e) What's this fascination with the Secretary of State's knees?
Which of the following well-known famous persons would do us all a huge favor by giving up whatever is left of his/her 15 minutes of fame?
a) Paris Hilton.
b) All of the above.
From the "History Module":
The name "James Bryant Conant" brings to mind:
a) The Harvard University president who championed the use of the SAT in the 1930s.
b) A man with three first names.
c) The nickname "Conant the Destroyer."
d) Say, who's on the Conan O'Brien show tonight?
e) Some but not all of the above.
From the "Cognitive Thought-Thinking Module":
Complete this description: "Troy had a perfect SAT score, and graduated from college with a degree in Fourth-Century Egyptian Literature. He then earned a Master's Degree in Marsupial Courtship Rituals. Today, Troy is most likely":
a) Unemployed and living with his parents.
b) Leading campus tours for incoming freshmen and living with his parents.
c) Chasing away guys flirting with his filthy rich girlfriend as they travel eastward on a cruise ship moving at 240 meters per minute.
d) C is not correct. Correct answer: C.
From the "Civics Module":
An elected official is not concerned with whether a political program is liberal or conservative but with whether it will:
a) Get him some face time on C-SPAN.
b) Effectively work for the greater good of the peop-ha-HA-HA-ha! (Oh my, that's a good one!)
c) Give him a chance to compare his opponent to Clem Kadiddlehopper.
d) Get him close enough to Condi Rice to ogle her knees.
# # #
I don't recall any fuss when Colin Powell wore stilleto-heeled knee-high boots, do you? Let me know -- takefiveT5@yahoo.com
I've told him a hundred times — the Web is ONLY to be used for downloading cheat codes that I can use in my desperate quest to beat his dad-blamed Nintendo games! So I scolded him and sent him to bed. He was mad, since it was only 2:30 a.m., but hey, it was a school night.
Then, when no one was looking, I tried solving a few sample SAT problems on msn.com. And a curious thing happened — I answered a question both right AND wrong: I chose "C" on a multiple-choice question, and the results page reported "C is not correct. Correct answer: C." Really.
Maybe this is why some high school kids think "SAT" stands for "Stupid Aggravating Timewaster."
I immediately saw the need for a journalistic expose of the SAT. So, with my alluringly youthful good looks fooling the proctors, I posed as a high school junior and snuck in to "take" the SAT. I took a copy all right, and share with you today these actual new and improved SAT questions:
Note to all prospective SAT takers: For this exclusive peek into the contents of the SAT, please send me 50 cents per question. Or at least an MP3 from 50 Cent.
From the "Art Appreciation Module":
Following are actual (honestly) lyrics from a composition by the wealthy music-industry insiders known as OutKast: "Bad choice of words/But I'm not the gun with silver bullets/And I can count, 1, 2, 3, plus I make great peanut butter/And jelly sandwiches...Van Helsing."
You have ten minutes to:
a) Translate these lyrics into Latin.
b) Calculate the song's net revenue potential, including projected earnings from iTunes sales, cell phone ring-tone sales, and adaptation for JIF TV commercials.
c) For extra credit, make the test proctor a JIF and jelly sandwich.
From the "Math Module":
A cruise ship is moving eastward at 240 meters per minute. A man runs northward across her deck at 180 meters per minute. Perform the necessary calculations to determine if he will achieve sufficient velocity to escape from the boyfriend of the woman he was flirting with.
From the "Current Events Module":
U.S. Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice recently caused a stir by appearing in public wearing:
a) A black skirt that ended above her knees.
b) A black trenchcoat-style jacket that ended well below her knees.
c) Stiletto-heeled black boots that hugged her calves all the way up to her knees.
d) All of the above at the same time.
e) What's this fascination with the Secretary of State's knees?
Which of the following well-known famous persons would do us all a huge favor by giving up whatever is left of his/her 15 minutes of fame?
a) Paris Hilton.
b) All of the above.
From the "History Module":
The name "James Bryant Conant" brings to mind:
a) The Harvard University president who championed the use of the SAT in the 1930s.
b) A man with three first names.
c) The nickname "Conant the Destroyer."
d) Say, who's on the Conan O'Brien show tonight?
e) Some but not all of the above.
From the "Cognitive Thought-Thinking Module":
Complete this description: "Troy had a perfect SAT score, and graduated from college with a degree in Fourth-Century Egyptian Literature. He then earned a Master's Degree in Marsupial Courtship Rituals. Today, Troy is most likely":
a) Unemployed and living with his parents.
b) Leading campus tours for incoming freshmen and living with his parents.
c) Chasing away guys flirting with his filthy rich girlfriend as they travel eastward on a cruise ship moving at 240 meters per minute.
d) C is not correct. Correct answer: C.
From the "Civics Module":
An elected official is not concerned with whether a political program is liberal or conservative but with whether it will:
a) Get him some face time on C-SPAN.
b) Effectively work for the greater good of the peop-ha-HA-HA-ha! (Oh my, that's a good one!)
c) Give him a chance to compare his opponent to Clem Kadiddlehopper.
d) Get him close enough to Condi Rice to ogle her knees.
# # #
I don't recall any fuss when Colin Powell wore stilleto-heeled knee-high boots, do you? Let me know -- takefiveT5@yahoo.com
posted by Don Stuart at 12:34 PM
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