Music 2005: Flamin' Beats and Lame-O Bleats

Now that Oscar is sleeping over with lots of people he only met last night, the Entertainment Awards season is finally over, and you're probably thinking you'll get a break from hearing about well-known famous people.

Wrong! Because the hype has already started over who'll take Oscar - and Emmy, Tony and Grammy too - back to their place after NEXT year's Entertainment Awards!

If that news makes you queasy, remember, musicians can sleep with their Grammys and not get into a Michael Jackson-type mess.

But if you're queasy because you're not sure how to chat knowingly with friends, family and co-workers about Grammy-worthy musicians you've never heard of, well, help is here. Because today we'll discuss the hot new albums that'll be released in 2005. We'll predict which ones will be worth your hard-earned money and which will be so awful you'll have grounds to sue for pain and suffering.

NOTE: Even if you're not into today's music scene, read this column! It will cross generational boundaries and enhance your music appreciation, whether you think Eminem is a rap musician, a chocolatey treat, or a medication for irregularity (which it isn't - you're thinking of Proctologist & Gamble's new chocolatey laxative, "Eminenema").

For help in evaluating the year's new music offerings, I called on No. 1 son (age 20) and his classmates at dear old EOSU (Expensive Out-of-State University). They were ready and willing to invest time sharing their opinions, because it provided an excellent excuse to postpone studying. Here's what they told me:

> Everyone's eager to hear the new album from the rap star known as 50 Cent. (Note: music industry insiders say 50 Cent is considering a name change; he's getting so rich, he's thinking of calling himself "$29.99 Plus Shipping & Handling.")

Anyway, Mr. Cent's music is modeled on the smooth and sensuous sounds of a demolition derby. According to No. 1 son and his friends, "Guys like the beats and girls LOVE dancing to it." My guess is that, besides the beats, EOSU guys love WATCHING girls dance to it.

> A duo known as OutKast will be everywhere in 2005 -they'll have a new album, an HBO film, a soundtrack album to the HBO film, and more. No. 1 says EOSUers love these guys: "Their lyrics are hilarious and the music videos are awesome." With respect like that, I'll bet OutKast's finance department anticipates a rosy financial forekast.

> Next up - Audioslave, trying to outdo its debut album, which No. 1 calls "phenomenal." Audioslave is known as a "Supergroup," which is music industry jargon for "Guys Who Already Got Rich In Other Bands." For example, the members of Audioslave used to perform in hugely successful groups called Soundgarden, Rage Against the Machine, and The Teletubbies.

Now some of '05's new sounds are NOT eagerly anticipated, at least not at EOSU. No. 1 son said it was easy for him and his cohorts to identify music-makers they're not excited about:

> The Chemical Brothers: Their music apparently has a mass-produced quality, which results only in forgettable hit singles. This apparently doesn't bother The Chemical Brothers; on a website featuring pictures of all the acts mentioned in this column, they were the only ones smiling. I asked No. 1 if that's due to the money they're making from their forgettable hit singles. He said "Either that or the chemicals, brother."

> Kate Bush: According to No. 1, "Nobody knows who she is." That's understandable - her last album was released 12 years ago, when No. 1 was 8 years old, and his favorite song was the theme to "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles."

> Jennifer Lopez: Her latest effort will be out tomorrow, March 1. Says No. 1 son: "We're a bit J.Lo'd out. Too much J. Lo. Guys like to look at her but that's about all."

Well, in spite of that tepid reaction, I boldly predict record-setting sales of J. Lo's new album on the EOSU campus. And most of the buyers will be EOSU guys, because they'll find the disc contains an electric combination of two things they LOVE - (1) videos of J. Lo dancing to (2) beats arranged by "guest artist" $39.99 Plus Shipping & Handling.

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Yep, The Artist Formerly Known As 50 Cent has already modified his new name - he just got a great stock tip from one of OutKast's akkountants. takefiveT5@yahoo.com