Gaining Weight in Your Hipness
[Dear Readers: In recent weeks, several columnists have been caught accepting money to promote certain ideologies of the current federal administration. With Oscar night looming, and in light of the enormous influence this column wields in the entertainment world, it's important that you know that I have NEVER been caught accepting (Hillary Swank) financial incentives of any (Hillary Swank) kind to promote the candidacy of any (Hillary) Oscar (Swank) nominee. Swank you very much.]
Now then, this week's column is for a special kind of person: the cool, in the know, and willing-to-spend-money-proving-it kind. You know, like every reader of this blog.
Today I'll share my annual "Lessons In Hipness From Watching Too Many Entertainment Awards Shows." Study these closely, and you'll develop much wider hipness, rivaling the most relentlessly hip celebrities, many of whom are famous mainly for showing up at Entertainment Awards Shows.
This year's Lessons:
* At the Screen Actors Guild awards, actor James Garner was interviewed by a spokes-twig from E! TV named Giuliana Depandi. At one point, he mentioned famed Greek actress Melina Mercouri, then said to Giuliana, "Of course, you're too young to know Melina Mercouri."
Lesson in Hipness: okay, it's true that Melina Mercouri made the career-killing boo-boo of getting old, and then lowered her profile even further by dying. Still, anytime a current celeb mentions a star from the past - even if it's someone you've never heard of - you should murmur something like "Ah, Melina, what a talent." Don't respond like Giuliana did: awkward silence, then a hurried "Nice talking to you."
* Actress Charlize Theron attended the Golden Globe Awards wearing a peculiar jet-black wrapping on her head. Some people swear it was her hair, but honestly, it looked like some sort of animal pelt.
Lesson in Hipness: describe odd head adornments carefully; one TV pundit called Charlize's "very Parisian." Then make SURE your microphone is shut off before saying anything like, "Yeah, 'Parisian' - it looked like Pepe LePew was curled up on her noggin."
* At one awards show, Star Jones Reynolds interviewed Nicolette Sheridan of "Desperate Housewives," and learned Nicolette recently got engaged. Star got all mock-excited, but instead of being properly hip and saying "Tell me about it, girlfriend," she blurted, "Oh! To Jerry!" To which Nicolette embarrassingly replied, "No, Nicholas." (Rumor has it that later that evening, Nicolette saw Star again and told her "You were right - it IS Jerry. Whatever! I'm ENGAGED!")
* During a red-carpet interview, Jorja Fox, a "CSI" star (from "CSI: Gings," I think), was complimented on her thinness, and asked what she'd eaten that day. Lesson in Hipness: no good can come from discussing the eating habits of celebrities. For example, Jorja's answer was "Half a veggie cheeseburger." Then, giggling, she added "And some vodka and 7-Up in the limo! But don't tell anyone!" (Okay, Jorja, you mean BESIDES the millions you just told on live TV?)
* The hippest color in fashion nowadays is "champagne." Lesson in Hipness: if you're not wearing champagne, then make up an alcohol-related name for a color you ARE wearing ("No, no, my socks aren't white - they're 'Margarita Salt'!") Whatever you do, DON'T try to fake it by spilling an alcohol-related color on yourself, despite the buzz going around about Jorja Fox' Vodka-and-7-Up-colored gown. (Must've been a bumpy limo ride.)
* If you attend an Entertainment Awards Show by yourself, don't admit it! Or at least lie about it better than actor David Arnett, of the TV show "Arrested Development." He had this red-carpet conversation with Giuliana Depandi:
Giuliana: "Who are you here with?"
David (trying to be amusing): "Well don't tell anyone, but I'm with a ghost."
G: "Oh. Where is this ghost?"
D (cursing Giuliana for asking a follow-up question): "Well, you can't see him, but he's right behind you."
G: "What's his name?"
D (praying security guards will suddenly materialize and taser Giuliana): "Uh, I don't know, but this is the worst bit I've ever done."
G: "Yeah, it's not going anywhere. Nice talking to you."
Silly David. He overlooked the easy - and hip - solution: he should've said he was with the ghost of Melina Mercouri.
# # #
Ever been to an Entertainment Awards Show? Let me know at takefiveT5@yahoo.com
Now then, this week's column is for a special kind of person: the cool, in the know, and willing-to-spend-money-proving-it kind. You know, like every reader of this blog.
Today I'll share my annual "Lessons In Hipness From Watching Too Many Entertainment Awards Shows." Study these closely, and you'll develop much wider hipness, rivaling the most relentlessly hip celebrities, many of whom are famous mainly for showing up at Entertainment Awards Shows.
This year's Lessons:
* At the Screen Actors Guild awards, actor James Garner was interviewed by a spokes-twig from E! TV named Giuliana Depandi. At one point, he mentioned famed Greek actress Melina Mercouri, then said to Giuliana, "Of course, you're too young to know Melina Mercouri."
Lesson in Hipness: okay, it's true that Melina Mercouri made the career-killing boo-boo of getting old, and then lowered her profile even further by dying. Still, anytime a current celeb mentions a star from the past - even if it's someone you've never heard of - you should murmur something like "Ah, Melina, what a talent." Don't respond like Giuliana did: awkward silence, then a hurried "Nice talking to you."
* Actress Charlize Theron attended the Golden Globe Awards wearing a peculiar jet-black wrapping on her head. Some people swear it was her hair, but honestly, it looked like some sort of animal pelt.
Lesson in Hipness: describe odd head adornments carefully; one TV pundit called Charlize's "very Parisian." Then make SURE your microphone is shut off before saying anything like, "Yeah, 'Parisian' - it looked like Pepe LePew was curled up on her noggin."
* At one awards show, Star Jones Reynolds interviewed Nicolette Sheridan of "Desperate Housewives," and learned Nicolette recently got engaged. Star got all mock-excited, but instead of being properly hip and saying "Tell me about it, girlfriend," she blurted, "Oh! To Jerry!" To which Nicolette embarrassingly replied, "No, Nicholas." (Rumor has it that later that evening, Nicolette saw Star again and told her "You were right - it IS Jerry. Whatever! I'm ENGAGED!")
* During a red-carpet interview, Jorja Fox, a "CSI" star (from "CSI: Gings," I think), was complimented on her thinness, and asked what she'd eaten that day. Lesson in Hipness: no good can come from discussing the eating habits of celebrities. For example, Jorja's answer was "Half a veggie cheeseburger." Then, giggling, she added "And some vodka and 7-Up in the limo! But don't tell anyone!" (Okay, Jorja, you mean BESIDES the millions you just told on live TV?)
* The hippest color in fashion nowadays is "champagne." Lesson in Hipness: if you're not wearing champagne, then make up an alcohol-related name for a color you ARE wearing ("No, no, my socks aren't white - they're 'Margarita Salt'!") Whatever you do, DON'T try to fake it by spilling an alcohol-related color on yourself, despite the buzz going around about Jorja Fox' Vodka-and-7-Up-colored gown. (Must've been a bumpy limo ride.)
* If you attend an Entertainment Awards Show by yourself, don't admit it! Or at least lie about it better than actor David Arnett, of the TV show "Arrested Development." He had this red-carpet conversation with Giuliana Depandi:
Giuliana: "Who are you here with?"
David (trying to be amusing): "Well don't tell anyone, but I'm with a ghost."
G: "Oh. Where is this ghost?"
D (cursing Giuliana for asking a follow-up question): "Well, you can't see him, but he's right behind you."
G: "What's his name?"
D (praying security guards will suddenly materialize and taser Giuliana): "Uh, I don't know, but this is the worst bit I've ever done."
G: "Yeah, it's not going anywhere. Nice talking to you."
Silly David. He overlooked the easy - and hip - solution: he should've said he was with the ghost of Melina Mercouri.
# # #
Ever been to an Entertainment Awards Show? Let me know at takefiveT5@yahoo.com
posted by Don Stuart at 12:39 PM
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